Why The Mets Will Always Suck

Every off-season you can count on two things, the Mets will be coming off a disappointing season and the newspapers, talk show hosts and fans will want them to make a big trade or big free agent signing.



And if there were a third certainty of baseball's hot stove season it would be me using this space to preach a more prudent approach.

I think I am going to punch the next person who says the Mets need to make a "big splash" to win back their fans. As stupid as Mets fans are, they want a winning team. I don't think any of them are going to games thinking "I owe the Wilpons my ticket money because they made a big splash signing some past-his-prime veteran who is now on the disabled list." And if they put some good young players on the field no one is going to stay home due to the lack of the big splash.

The other fallacy we need to address is that the "big splash" wins. It's a hard argument to make right now because the Yankees became World Champs by signing everyone in sight. But Mets fans need to face facts, we can never, should never and will never spend as the Yankees do. But we don't have to. Look down the list of World Series winners before 2009, other than Manny Ramirez twice, few of those teams made a big splash, and it took the Sox five years and a lot of young players for that to happen.

Remember the Yankees kissed a lot of toads (Kevin Brown, Jason Giambi) before they found CC Sabathia and Mark Teixeira. And let's review the Mets recent history with the big splash: Pedro Martinez (one of the worst free agent signings in history), Carlos Beltran (I'm one of very few Mets fans who still likes this deal) and Johan Santana (they wasted two prime years already with no playoff appearances).

The Mets still have a good, young nucleus to build around (Reyes, Wright) and some good veterans who still have some years left (Beltran, Santana) so I preach measured patience.

Song of the Week

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
I have an affinity for male/female duets and in the history of the world no one did them better than Marvin and Tammi.
I do however wish the song hadn't become so overplayed in movies like its trite usage in "Remember the Titans."

A Carry, A Travel and a Flagrant Foul

LeBron James gets two steals on this play, the ball, and a theft of a couple french fries from a kid in a Kevin Durant jersey.
Steal of the Night indeed.

Note: this video encapsulates a new problem I'm facing. Do I post the user-friendl youtube videos or take them directly from the source and make Poopheads sit through an ad. I decided to go with the nba.com version because I think it's the honest thing to do, plus it won't get taken down in a few hours. I like having these videos for posterity and for the Poopheads who only check the blog once a week or less. If you are a daily reader who hates sitting through 30 second ads to watch a 20 second video, blame the idiots who refuse to check this blog everyday.

Gossip Girl: Staten Island

Saturday Night Live jumps on the recent wave of anti-guido sentiment with a kind of funny skit called "Gossip Girl: Staten Island." The incredibly hot Blake Lively saves the sketch.

Proper Train/Subway Ettiquette

Any of you who take mass transportation to work might have noticed that some riders view finding a newspaper on a seat akin to finding buried treasure.
Many days I bring a paper with me to leaf through and to do the crossword puzzle. I don't like to leave my mess for other people to clean up and I like to make sure my newspaper ends up in the proper recycling bin, so I always take it with me and dispose of it on the platform.
But every night I ride in with a guy named Jose who scours the cars looking for a free paper. Would I be a more courteous train rider if I left my New York Post on the train for someone else to read?

Happy Hanukah

Happy Hanukah from the Poops

Tim Tebow is Too Good to Be True

With the upsetting story of Tiger Woods shaking everyone's faith in mankind (except for skeptics like me who expect this behavior from everyone) many are now questioning whether there are any true heroes left in the sports world or otherwise.
You need to listen to this story about Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow walked the red carpet before Thursday night's Home Depot ESPNU College Football Awards show with Kelly Faughnan on his arm, creating quite a stir.
Faughnan, 20, lives in Clifton, Va., was diagnosed with a brain tumor just before Thanksgiving in 2008. Her tumor was removed just before Christmas and before her surgery Kelly asked if she could go to Disney World afterwards. She also asked to go to a college football awards show to see Tebow this year.
The players were at a function on Wednesday in Disney and Tebow spotted her wearing a "I love Timmy button." An ESPN producer saw her, talked to her and asked if she would like to meet him. He ended up spending 45 minutes with her and then invited Kelly to attend the show with him.
"He truly is making a great impact on many people's lives, and I can say first hand, on Kelly's life," Jim Faughnan said.
Since he had a date on his arm, Tebow couldn't sign autographs when he walked through the pre-show on ESPNU, especially not since Kelly's gait is still affected and she shudders when she walks. Rather than go inside the building, he turned around and went back and walked through the crowd a second time by himself, so he could sign autographs for anyone who wanted one.



There are a lot of Tim Tebow haters out there, mostly anti-religious zealots. Tebow's father is a religious zealot and he reportedly preaches a literal interpretation of the Bible, which means a condemnation of gays as well as other things some find distasteful.

While religion causes a lot of trouble in the world, there is also this good side. Those true believers, those who practice what they (or their fathers) preach, live their lives by a code and practice kindness and charity.

Tebow is well-known for his missions to the Phillipines where he helps perform medical operations (including circumcisions), and of course his pledge and his 2 national titles and his Heisman Trophy make him too good to be true.

I have my doubts about Tebow, including his claims of virginity (I mean how does he put his hands on this girl and not take her up to his room and rip that bikini off?) and his pro potential. But I'm a total believer in Tebow the person and think we'll never find him in a hotel with cocaine and hookers or in a smashed-up Escalade at 2:30 am.

Weekly Picks

The worst season of my life. Not sure why things are going so badly but I have to keep trying.

new york jets -3 TAMPA BAY
I don't mind missing Mark Sanchez here. The guy has been terrible and with Clemens they can rely on the run exclusively which they should be able to do against the Bucs. Plus this is the game the Jets always win to get their fans' hopes up before they dash them.

NEW ENGLAND -13 carolina
The Patriots only win in New Engladn and England. I see a domination here.

cincinnati +6 1/2 MINNESOTA
The Bengals have played a lot of close games and I have a weird feeling Favre may be hitting the 40-year old's wall.

arizona -3 1/2 SAN FRANCISCO
The Cardinals look really good right now, not only Kurt Warner and his wide receivers but on defense too.

BEST BET
san diego +3 DALLAS
The Chargers are 15-0 in their last 15 December games. The Cowboys are a bad December team with that choke artist Tony Romo.

Last week: 1-4 (0 points)
Season: 28-37 (27 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (6-7)
Home Favorites: 0-0 (7-8)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-2)
Road Favorites: 1-2 (13-12)
Road Underdogs: 0-1 (7-14)
Road Pickem: 0-1 (0-1)

Miserable Weekend Update

Two footnotes to the weekend of my discontent when Nebraska, Bones Jones and the Redskins all suffered heartbreaking losses.

I watched the Ultimate Fighter Finale a couple hours late because I was watching Nebraska, and by the time I got to his Facebook page there were about 100 comments on his wall, yet mine stood out enough in his mind for him to respond.



The Redskins cut their awful kicker Shaun Suisham and replaced him with Graham Gano.

The Punch Heard Round the Jersey Shore

Snooki gets punched!

Some women's rights groups are complaining MTV should not air this (I think it's on next week's episode) because it shows violence against women.

I admit it's pretty bad to punch a girl, even one as annoying as Snooki aka Schnookums aka Snickers aka Schnikers, but looking at this is pretty damn funny.

Michelle Braun Provided Whores for Tiger Woods

The latest twist in the Tiger Woods scandal involves Michelle Braun, the ex-wife of Farrell Kellener.
On the cover of the Daily News, along with a picture of Tiger Woods is this mugshot of Michelle Braun after her arrest on drug charges.



The article claims that Woods paid as much as $60,000 for threesomes, and his favorite girl was Italian model Loredana Jolie (SFW).

She says Tiger liked the college-aged girl-next-door cuties and they said he was good in bed and has a big penis. Glad I know that.

He's Doing the Freeze Dance

Florida State offensive lineman Zebrie Sanders would be very good at a staring contest.



Evidently FSU coaches tell their lineman to stay still if they think the other team is offsides. Sanders may have taken this bit of coaching a little too far.

Which is Grosser?

I'm not saying I do either of these things but which is grosser, urinating in the shower or leaving floaters in the toilet due to the failure to check and see if a second flush is needed?

Who Do You Love?

While Chase was driving his favorite Car, "Sarge" on my head and leg, we decided to ask him a few questions:

Whom do you love more, mommy or Sarge?
Sarge!
Whom do you love more, daddy or Sarge?
Sarge!
Whom do you love more, Diesel or Sarge?
Deezo!

True story

Song of the Week

"Chicken Fried" - Zac Brown Band
This is when country music is at its best. Down home Southern values expressed in the lyrics plus some cool fiddle playing. Plus, I also like my chicken fried.



"I thank God for my life
And for the Stars and Stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring.
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives
So we don`t have to sacrifice
All the things we love
Like our chicken fried."

Tis the Season

The Kansas City Chiefs made a ton of mistakes in their 44-13 loss to the Denver Broncos this season. A sentiment summed up perfectly in this graphic from CBS



Story suggested by Master Bates

Like Those Pictures of Dogs Playing Poker

I love dogs. I love poker. But I hate those pictures of dogs playing poker.

That's sort of the way I feel about this CBS ad, a mashup of "Frosty the Snowman" and some classic Barney Stinson (NPH) lines from "How I Met Your Mother."



Parents groups are outraged over this saying a childhood classic should not be used in this way, especially since the dialogue they chose is particularly racy.

Personally, I just never understand why something is funny just because it's delivered by someone you wouldn't expect like babies cursing and old white people acting black.

But I like whiny complainers and complaining whiners even less than I like unfunny jokes. So I side with CBS here and say no long-term damage will come to any children who google "Frosty the Snowman" and get this clip instead.

What Did I Do to Deserve This?

I try really hard to be a good person, and for the most part I get rewarded, except when it comes to sports. Not only do my teams never win, they usually lose in heartbreaking fashion. There were three such examples this week of people I was rooting for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

It all started with Nebraska. The Cornhuskers played one of the best defensive games ever, completely shutting down a normally potent Texas offense. Unfortunately, this coincided with an historically bad performance by their offense – totaling only 106 yards. But on the last drive the much-maligned Zac Lee ran for 17 yards, and threw a 16 yard pass setting up what should have been the game-winning field goal. But here’s where they cost themselves the game. Adi Kunalic booted the ensuing kickoff out of bounds giving Texas the ball at the 40. The next play was 19 yard pass with a 15 yard horse collar tacked on, putting Texas at the 26. And despite Colt McCoy’s brain cramp that almost let time run out, Nebraska ended up losing a very winnable game.



And then I watched The Ultimate Fighter Finale. Earlier this year I declared Jon Bones Jones my favorite UFC fighter. In part because I like his style, in part because I think he’s really awesome and I got on the train early. I also like the fact that two of his brothers play football at Syracuse including the great defensive lineman Arthur Jones. And not the least of it, I friended Bones and his babymama on Facebook. When Bones was booked to fight Matt Hammill I even asked her if it was ok to make fun of a deaf guy. She didn’t answer so I didn’t make fun of Hammill. Saturday night Hammill was getting completely dominated by Jones. Jones had the mount and was raining down blows. It turns out Hammill hurt his shoulder during Jones’s ridiculous slam and couldn’t defend himself from the punches. So here’s what you’ve got, Jones pummeling a near defenseless Hammill while ref Steve Mazzagatti watches. Twice Jones pleads with him to stop the fight. Then he went into “what do I need to do to get this guy to stop the fight” mode. So he delivered 2 or 3 vicious elbows to Hammill’s face. Unfortunately, dropping an elbow straight down (from 12 to 6) is illegal in MMA (side to side elbows are ok) so Jones had a point deducted. Here’s when things got weird. Mazzagatti twice asked Hammill if he could continue. He got not answer. Hammill couldn’t hear him, and he couldn’t read his lips because his eyes were bloody and damn near swollen shut. He probably would have said no had he been able to hear because he’d been beaten so badly and had a shoulder injury. But because the fight had to be stopped after an illegal blow (Mazzagatti used video replay to review the blows, believed to be the first use of replay in MMA history), the ref had no choice but to disqualify him, costing Jones a fight he should have won.



Then came the Redskins game, in a lost season the Redskins have been surprisingly frisky the last two weeks before blowing leads to the Cowboys and Eagles. Despite mistakes (a huge fumble after an interception that allowed the Saints to tie it before the half) the Redskins hung tough and had second half leads of 27-17, 30-20 and were poised to make it 33-23 when Shaun Suisham missed a 23-yard field goal. That gave the Saints another chance, which they used to throw a 53-yard bomb to send the game into OT. There Mike Sellers fumbled on the third play, a play so close it should not have been overturned on review. The Saints kicked the game-winning field goal giving the Redskins a loss in a game they should have won.



To sum up the weekend of my discontent I will be putting flaming bags of dog poop on the doorsteps of Shaun Suisham, Steve Mazzagatti and the entire Nebraska offense.

In the Pink

Earlier this season Sports Illustrated used pink for the letters on its cover, after the NFL was awash in pink for breast cancer awareness.



A few weeks later when SI readers wrote in about the unique color, the section in the letters page was entitled "In the Pink."

When I told The Concierge about this he said "in the pink" is actual an expression meaning in good health. I think it has an entirely different meaning.

Weekly Picks

Another horrible week, but at least I got my best bet. I just can't get anything going this season, incredibly frustrating.

denver -4 1/2 KANSAS CITY
Maybe the Broncos broke out of their doldrums last week against the Giants. Even so, the spread seems really small against a bad Kansas City team. The Broncos may be one of those teams that can beat bad teams but not good ones.

houston pick'em JACKSONVILLE
I think the Texans are another of those teams. I think they are actually pretty good but they just can't close games out. This week they won't need to against a Jacksonville team that laid a huge turd last week.

new orleans -9 1/2 WASHINGTON
I know the Redskins have shown some life the past two weeks in blowing games to the Cowboys and Eagles. It won't be a last second drive that sinks them this week however. This one looks like 38-3.

tennessee +6 1/2 INDIANAPOLIS
Like I've been saying, something strange is going on here. Both teams have been playing a lot of close games recently and I fully expect the Titans to put some points on the board. I wouldn't even be surprised if they won this game.

BEST BET
minnesota -3 ARIZONA
Brett Favre is just playing out of his mind right now. The Vikings could be a better team right now than either of the two undefeateds.

Last week: 1-4 (2 points)
Season: 27-33 (27 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (6-6)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (7-8)
Home Underdogs: 0-1 (1-2)
Road Favorites: 1-0 (12-10)
Road Underdogs: 0-2 (7-13)

We're Too Young to Die

I was saddened this week to learn of the passing of Janelle Dotts, a fellow alumnus of Susan Wagner High School Class of 1996.

I didn't really know Janelle all that well during high school, despite her being in many of my classes.

But I do know, age 31 is way too young.

Janelle leaves behind a 9 year-old daughter who heartbreakingly said “Mommy made the best spaghetti,” according to the obituary in the Staten Island Advance.

The Advance reports she died after a short illness, but no word on exactly what she had.

What Do You Give Me For? Airline Passenger and Mark Mangino

What do you give me for former Kansas football coach Mark Mangino and an unidentified obese plane passenger.

This picture was reportedly taken by an American Airlines flight attendant upset at the gate staff for not stopping this passenger or making him buy two seats.

As for Mangino, he was forced to resign from Kansas after disparaging comments he made to players came to light. He reportedly threatened players that if they didn't work hard he'd send them back to wherever they were from. He told one guy whose brother was shot that he could go back to St. Louis and get shot with his homeys. A player with an alcoholic father was ridiculed as well. And speaking of ridicule, this is my favorite picture of Mark Mangino.

Not a good day for the morbidly obese.

Another Take on Tiger

You've heard my opinion on what really happened the night Tiger Woods drove his Escalade into a tree.

Now let's see what Taiwanese media thinks of the incident:



Maybe we can get Special K to translate

Peter King Gets Duped

Peter King of Sports Illustrated is not only the best football writer in America, he seems like a really nice guy. And as a middle-aged guy he probably doesn't understand the whole Twitter-verse or the juvenile senses of humor of today's young people. It was probably some 20 year-old staffer who suggest Peter answer one Tweet each week in his freakin awesome Monday Morning Quarterback column:



I'm sure King had no idea that Ivan Poon wasn't this guy's real name, but that's the problem when these things aren't properly vetted by people with a middle-schooler's sensibilities.

Worst Toy Ever

A talking toy puppy that teaches babies their ABCs has a bite toxic enough to make it the most dangerous toy on a watchdog group's annual holiday list.

The $23.99 Love to Play Puppy, made by Fisher-Price, was among 24 toys that the New York Public Research Interest Group has declared unsafe.

The Love to Play Puppy, bought at a Manhattan Toys "R" Us, contains bromine, a fire retardant that can affect the reproductive system and cause birth defects, as well as mercury, which affects the organs and nervous system, according to the group.

Forget the chemicals, the reason not to get this toy is that it's so fuckin annoying.

Teammates with Great Names

The University of Colorado women's basketball team has Whitney Houston and Brittany Spears.

Freedo and Amber will be going to a game this season to try and get their picture taken with this dynamic duo.

Muppets Go Viral

Much like the Muppets took Manhattan, they have taken the Web.
Since debuting last week, the Muppet parody of the classic music video of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" has been viewed more than 8.6 million times on YouTube. It's an exceptional hit for the first video posted on a new YouTube channel by the Muppets Studio, the Walt Disney Company subsidiary formed in 2004 after the Jim Henson Company sold the franchise.
A Twitter feed has also been launched. (It's mostly promotional; Kermit isn't blogging.) And a Facebook page has been started.
Muppets Studio general manager Lylle Breier said the online push for the Muppets was designed to help reboot the franchise and quickly get new content to fans.
"When the Muppets came into real popularity was the '70s. What was popular in the '70s? Variety shows -- that's what `The Muppet Show' was," said Breier. "What's the Web? It's a giant variety show. That's why the Muppets fit so perfectly. Parody has always been at the heart of what the Muppets do."
Breier said the Muppets singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" had long been an idea on the back burner, but the project only recently came together.
In it, just about every famous Muppet character makes a cameo: Gonzo and his chickens appear in silhouette; Rowlf plays piano; Beaker supplies his normal "meep-meep-meep-meep"; Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem rock out.
Animal bangs on the drums and gets to channel Freddie Mercury, singing "Mama!" He repeats it instead of singing the full, child-unfriendly line "Mama just killed a man/ Put a gun against his head/ Pulled my trigger/ Now he's dead."
It's not the Muppets first foray into online video. Several videos were released last year, most notably including Beaker singing "Ode to Joy." More than 7 million have since watched Beaker's rendition.
Breier says more Web videos are on the way. A version of "Carol of the Bells" will be released for Christmas, and a handful of other videos will follow in 2010.
The purpose of the sudden Muppet expansion is partly promotional. The Muppets have also recently made appearances on ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" and at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Last year's holiday special, "A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa" has recently been released on DVD and will air again Friday on NBC.
What is more important, a new, much-anticipated theatrical film is in the works. Jason Segel ("Forgetting Sarah Marshall") and his writing partner Nicholas Stoller have been writing a new Muppets film expected to return the franchise to its more acclaimed past.
"It's all part of a plan for new creative content with online, television, a new theatrical movie," said Breier. "We're bringing the Muppets back."

My Own Teammate

Florida Panther Keith Ballard swings his stick in frustration after Atlanta's Ilya Kovalchuk scores a goal, but Ballard whacks his own goalie Tomas Vokoun in the head. Here's the actual cut from the game.



Vokoun got a cut ear but as you can see in this longer clip they carted him off the ice on a stretcher. Luckily, he's ok and was able to fly back with the team.

Song of the Week

“That Smell” – Lynyrd Skynyrd

I heard this song a few weeks ago for the first time in my life. A few days later I heard it again. 31 years, never heard it. Two weeks, twice. Amazing. Anyway, the song is kind of weird but interestingly chronicles the band's problems with drugs.

Lady Killer

Since we posted the pictures of Chase with all his lady friends many of you have asked for his secret. As ZZ Top once said "every girl's crazy bout a sharp dressed man."

I Don't Have to Watch Because I Lived It

For several summers earlier this decade some of my friends had a summer house on the Jersey Shore.
The type of guido and guidette who frequented places like Headliners and DJais could not be explained, until now.
A new MTV show premiering December 3 at 10pm (special 2 hour season premiere) will attempt to chronicle the lifestyle of this strange subspecies of our culture.
Watch the trailer, trust me:

Jersey Shore - MTV Shows

"I'm the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island."
The fact that at least one of these people is from Staten Island turns this into an even scarier version of "This Is Your Life."



Oh yeah, some people say the show is racist.

What Really Happened

The biggest story in the world right is now is the mysterious car accident of Tiger Woods. Everyone wants to know what really happened, and a pretty obvious picture is surfacing.

Recent rumors of Tiger having an affair with New York nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel surfaced. Tiger and Elin were obviously fighting about it, maybe Tiger got a strange text.

It was 2am the night after Thanksgiving and Tiger was taking some painkillers. They had a fight and Elin went crazy, she attacked him and scratched his face up pretty good. He tried to leave the house to go for a drive. She chased him down with a golf club (oh the irony) and at some point smashed the back window.

Distracted by the crazy woman chasing him, perhaps bleeding from scratches to his face, perhaps a little foggy due to painkillers Tiger crashed his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree.

But there are a few questions still unanswered.

First, why do the Woodses keep putting off their interview with the cops? Some say they are waiting for Tiger's injuries to heal so he can blame his facial scratches on the accident and the broken glass, but if he was already treated at the hospital those injuries would likely be photographed and documented and I believe that could be shared with the police in an ongoing investigation. Another possibility is that maybe Elin has a black eye or something that would incriminate Tiger.

And the second, and more puzzling question, why would Tiger cheat on Elin, his swedish bikini model wife?



I guess the old adage is true, "everywhere there's a beautiful woman, there's a guy tired of fucking her."

Weekly Picks

I finally got off the schneid last week and though likely nothing will save this season it still feels good to pick a few winners for a change. There are some more games I like this week so we'll try to keep this going.

carolina +3 NEW YORK JETS
I don't see how the Jets can beat anyone right now. I would make this my best bet but I'm never comfortable with underdogs and rarely pick them as my best bet.

new england +1 1/2 NEW ORLEANS
The Patriots win this game. I normally don't believe in all the psycho-babble people regularly resort to when picking games because they have nothing intelligent to say, but with the Patriots I believe Belichick uses that stuff. I think he will use Indianapolis game, and the Saints undefeated record to get his team ready to beat the recently underwhelming Saints.

ST. LOUIS +3 1/2 seattle
The Seahawks are terrible so I figured it was a good time to play the rare home dog.

CINCINNATI -13 1/2 cleveland
Here's a theory I haven't used enough this season: good team coming off a bad loss and bad team coming off a win. Ok, so the Browns didn't win last week but they scored more touchdowns in the first quarter than they had in the previous 423 games (may want to double check that number). Either way, I still like the Bengals this season and if not for some bad lack they at least would have escaped Oakland with a win.


BEST BET
indianapolis -3 1/2 HOUSTON
The Colts aren't getting a lot of respect from oddsmakers. I know they've had a lot of close calls but they are still undefeated and they still have Peyton Manning.



Last week: 4-1 (5 points)
Season: 26-29 (25 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (5-6)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (7-7)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-1)
Road Favorites: 2-1 (11-10)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (7-11)

Marv Albert Denies Fighting With 50 Cent's Entourage

Marv Albert said Saturday he was never involved in an altercation with 50 Cent, denying Internet reports of a fight on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

According to the reports, punches were thrown after members of the rapper's entourage didn't recognize Albert, the longtime sports broadcaster who was appearing as a guest on the show on Wednesday night.

But Albert told The Associated Press he was not even close to the exchange, which he believed was caused when a member of 50 Cent's party was prevented by show security from using a phone in the room that was supposed to belong to Albert.

"I couldn't even tell you what the guy looked like or the security guard looked like," Albert said.

Albert said he even read one account that he was punched by 50 Cent, who was the show's musical guest, but insisted they never crossed paths.

"They embellish. It keeps getting embellished more than anything else," Albert said. "What do you say, it's just wrong."

Albert appeared on the program the night before he called the Lakers' home game against Chicago on TNT. The Los Angeles Times' account of the event, by a writer who was there, describes a scuffle and "a fist or two flying," but never mentions Albert being a part of it.

But the story has changed as it's appeared on blogs in recent days, with Albert saying family and friends are reading accounts that are "completely made up."

"I don't know what tomorrow will bring," Albert added. "It will be Jimmy Kimmel got punched."

Albert said he was told the whole altercation lasted only a few seconds, but it's created a few frustrating days.

"I'm sure this will be funny to me in a couple of days," he said. "It's not funny to me now, obviously."

Thanksgiving at the Bates'

Much thanks to Mrs. Bates for a delicious Thanksgiving dinner, for 29. Yes 29 people, count them. The only one you can't see is me, I'm under Chase.



All Master Bates did was carve the turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving

No sappy, cloying, whining ramble like last year just a couple words to wish all the Poopheads a happy day of turkey, football and family.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Song of the Week

"Renegade" - Styx
I recently watched an "NFL Films Presents" on how this song became an anthem for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Now they play it when they need the Steelers to rally, and they only save it for when it's really necessary to get a turnover or touchdown.

Look Out World

Cable television operator Cablevision Systems will distribute News Corp's Fox Business Network in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, Fox said on Thursday.

The business channel, which News Corp started to compete with CNBC, will start appearing on Nov. 19 on channel 106 for Cablevision subscribers and on channel 772 in HD, Fox Business said in a statement.

Fox Business Network will be available to about 3 million Cablevision customers.

Embarrassing Falls

Both Adam Lambert and J.Lo fell during their performances at the American Music Awards. At least J.Lo has some padding on her ass. Good thing Lambert didn't fall on his, it was probably still sore from the night before.

The Worst Coaching of All-Time

A few years ago LSU coach Les Miles (heretofore known as Fewer Miles, since Les Miles is gramatically incorrect) was the darling of the college football world. During an incredible run to the national title Miles made some inceredibly gutsy 4th down calls and seemingly made them all.
His onions became legendary and even got their own nickname, Les-ticles.

But this weekend against Ole Miss Fewer put his balls before his brains and cost his team the game.

We'll start at the end when with a minute and 16 seconds left LSU scored a touchdown to cut Ole Miss's lead to 25-23. They went for two to tie (Miles knew that much) but a fade route into the corner was unsuccessful. But there was a pass interference penalty giving them another chance, this time from the 1. But instead of running it, they tried the same play again, and missed again.

That meant LSU had to try for an onside kick, another decision Miles, thankfully, didn't screw it up. Unfortunately it would be the last thing he did right.

LSU moved the ball to the 32 yard on a long pass and that's when things went wrong. LSU tried to pass 3 times instead of running to set up a manageable field goal. First down incomplete, second down, sack for a loss of 9 followed by an LSU timeout.

"We talked about runs," Miles said. "I felt like the quarterback could manage the situation. That was my mistake."



On third down it was a 7 yard loss and with 26 seconds left the clock was running, but LSU didn't use its last timeout until there were 9 seconds left.

"The clock ran down, timeouts were being called verbally and I didn't relate that to the official apparently and that was the mistake," Miles said.

On 4th and 26 from the 42 LSU threw a Hail Mary which was answered, caught at the 6 -- with one second left.



But LSU didn't have the field goal team ready like they should have been so they tried to spike the ball to stop the clock, but there was only one second, why not run a play and at least try to get a penalty or a throw into the endzone.

The team was going for the end zone on the last pass play, Miles said, and when Jefferson found Toliver in traffic at the 6 with a second left, the team was unprepared. Rather than run the field goal unit on field while there appeared to be confusion with the chain gang, Jordan tried to get the team lined up to spike the ball but never got the play off.

I really think Miles should be fired for this. Even Herm Edwards never mismanaged a game this badly and this obviously. Totally unforgiveable and it should cost him his job.

The Cirtcuitous Route We Sometimes Take to Where We're Supposed to Be

Five years ago Wally Backman got his first job as a major league manager. A few days later he lost that job.

He’s spent the next five years working his way back and is now the manager of the Brooklyn Cyclones.



Most people in New York think that job is just the incubator for him to eventually take over for Jerry Manuel, perhaps even during the season if 2010 starts as badly as 2009 ended.

According to the Daily News, bad blood between Manuel and Backman goes back to 2003 when Backman reportedly told his ex-teammate Ron Gardenhire to kick the White Sox ass so he could take Manuel’s job managing that team.

Backman’s eventual hiring as Mets manager could be held up though as the Wilpons were reportedly very concerned about his personal background in light of the domestic violence issue which cost him the Diamondbacks job.



I think Manuel is a shitty manager and though I don’t really know much about Backman’s style, I can only assume he’d be better than Jerry.

And I know Master Bates would like him a lot better.

The Soccer Brute is Kinda Cute

Elizabeth Lambert became the most famous person on the internet for a few days after her aggressive play in a game against BYU.

Now Lambert is telling her side of the story and she actually looks pretty good all made up and with her hair did.

She says she can’t believe she acted that way while subtly saying she was retaliating for an elbow against her --- the video proves her point.

She claims the video was edited to make her look worse, and it got more attention because it involved women --- which is true, because women usually aren’t known for that kind of aggression.

Also, She said she was taken aback at how the incident had been perceived by some as sexy catfighting between two women. She said she was aghast that some men had sent her messages saying, “Hey, we should meet up some time.”

Oops, my bad.

Derek Jeter Has the Best Life

When Derek Jeter is not winning World Series he's out cavorting on beaches with some of the hottest women in the world. This offseason he's with Poop favorite Minka Kelly.




Three years ago he was doing the same thing with Jessica Biel.




Also this offseason Jeter is shooting a Will Ferrell movie in which he wears a wig and plays a homeless guy.



And if that's not enough Jeter for you Sports Illustrated put together a gallery of some of the best Jeter pics.

Weekly Picks

Just a disastrous season and I really can't figure out what's going wrong except I just keep picking the wrong best bets.

san diego -3 DENVER
The Broncos are in an absolute freefall and believe it or not they are going to miss Kyle Orton.

indianapolis -1 1/2 BALTIMORE
Somehow, they find a way to win.

cincinnati -9 1/2 OAKLAND
The Bengals are better than we all think, and the Raiders are just as bad as we know.

tennessee +4 1/2 HOUSTON
Don't question it, just believe, Vince Young has something special working.

BEST BET
NEW ENGLAND -10 1/2 new york jets
A lot is at stake here and I think the Patriots are going to be very motivated to beat the Jets brains in.

Last week: 2-3 (1 point)
Season: 22-28 (20 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (4-6)
Home Favorites: 0-0 (6-7)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-1)
Road Favorites: 1-2 (9-9)
Road Underdogs: 1-1 (6-11)

My Mind's Telling Me No, But the Math's Telling Me Yes

At first I was against Bill Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th and 2 against the Colts, a decision that failed, and led directly to the Patriots losing the game.
But as a poker player you learn to judge decisions on something other than the outcome. You evaluate decision based on how likely you were to be right. Face it, nothing is 100% so your goal, as a poker player, football coach or nearly anything else is to give yourself the best chance to be successful.
In poker, the thinking is you get into certain situations thousands of times, so being right 52% of the time is a major advantage but you will still lose 480 times out of 1000.
In football, situations are more unique so Belichick likely won't face that scenario again but if he does I'm sure he would go for it again, and he'd have these numbers from the New York Times 5th Down Blogto back him up.

With 2:08 left and the Colts with only one timeout, a successful 4th-and-2 conversion wins the game for all practical purposes. A conversion on 4th-and-2 would be successful 60 percent of the time. Historically, in a situation with 2:00 left and needing a TD to either win or tie, teams get the TD 53 percent of the time from that field position. The total win probability for the 4th-down conversion attempt would therefore be:

(0.60 * 1) + (0.40 * (1-0.53)) = 0.79 WP (WP stands for win probability)

A punt from the 28 typically nets 38 yards, starting the Colts at their 34. Teams historically get the TD 30 percent of the time in that situation. So the punt gives the Pats about a 0.70 WP.

Statistically, the better decision would be to go for it, and by a good amount. However, these numbers are baselines for the league as a whole. You’d have to expect the Colts had a better than 30 percent chance of scoring from their 34, and an accordingly higher chance to score from the Pats’ 28. But any adjustment in their likelihood of scoring from either field position increases the advantage of going for it. You can play with the numbers any way you like, but it’s pretty hard to come up with a realistic combination of numbers that makes punting the better option. At best, you could make it a wash.

And if you consider the Patriots have Tom Brady (making the 4th down more likely) and the Colts have Peyton Manning (driving up the Colts chances) there is really no argument at all.

I never want to be one of those stubborn people who sticks to his argument despite all the evidence showing he’s wrong. I also hate people who reject numbers in sports, instead choosing to rely on feel.

This reminds me of my stance on the Mets signing of Pedro Martinez. I claim the deal was an awful failure because he basically missed three years, and the Mets never won anything (other than a division title which he wasn’t around for) during his tenure. The benefits of his signing are perceived to be his supposed on influence on recruiting other players to the Mets.

Think of it this way, if there are two arguments, one is supported by numbers, evidence and history. The other is a bunch of people bloviating loudly with no proof to support their argument, I’ll take the former.


As for the other (overshadowed) decision of the weekend, Maurice Jones-Drew absolutely did the right thing by delaying gratification and kneeling on the one. The chances of making a field goal from there have to be 95% or higher. You'd have to think the Jets have a better than 5% chance to score a TD in that situation.

My Favorite Soliloquy in Seinfeld History

I liked this George speech when I first saw it, but now I love it because it reminds me so much of Mrs. Poop and me.
There are so many quotable lines in this short clip but this one stands out:
"She didn't know about pasteurization, he didn't know about fumigation, but they made it WORK!"

Jew or Not a Jew?

A pending court case in England may set new guidelines on who is or isn’t a Jew.

Here’s the background:

The U.K. has state sponsored religious schools. A boy known in court as “M” was rejected from the Jews’ Free School because he is not Jewish, at least not according to the school. His mother converted but she did so in a progressive, not an orthodox synagogue, therefore she is not a Jew nor is her son, in the school’s eyes.

His family sued saying the school discriminated against him. They lost the first case but won the appeal when the court said the school’s test of Jewishness needs to be based on religion, which would be legal, instead of on race or ethnicity, which would not. The court ruled that it was an ethnic test because it concerned the status of M’s mother rather than whether M considered himself Jewish and practiced Judaism.


I’m with “M” on this one. I think religion is based on what you feel and what you do. There are lots of Jews, especially in America who are only Jewish because someone a long time ago was Jewish. A student from two traditionally Jewish parents who doesn’t practice Judaism or identify with the Jewish people should have less right and would like derive less benefit from a Jewish education than “M.”

Voting is Efficacious

A couple weeks ago I asked the Poopheads if I should give a dollar to the homeless woman who complimented my Mitchell & Ness Mets jacket. The overwhelming response was yes. But after the votes were counted, I didn’t see her again – until yesterday. When I stopped to give her a dollar she started telling me her life story (“I was always poor, my father worked in a furniture store”) and asked me for another dollar. Sounds like old sob story-beg for more hustle you often see in strip clubs. Whatever the case I gave her $2 at the behest of the Poopheads and it’s going to take me 300 ad clicks to make that money back.

Song of the Week

"Forever Young" - Alpahville
If there's anything in the world I hate it's getting older, so I kind of like the idea of staying forever young.

Jay-Z incorporated the song into his "Young Forever" on his Blueprint 3 album. "May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows."

Music to Rake Leaves To

I recently read someone's Facebook status that read something like this "if I put all these songs on the iPod how come whenever I put it on shuffle I can never find anything I like?"

I pondered that existential question and decided to listen to my iPod on shuffle without skipping any songs. After four mediocre songs I finally found something I like.

"Feelin on Yo Booty" - R. Kelly

Followed by

"Secret Lovers" - Atlantic Starr

Followed by

"Lollipop" - Lil Wayne

Damn you, Mrs. Poop!

That streak ruined I went ahead to song #14 ("I Don't Care" - No Question) and listened to it until I was done raking.

I Guess "Hang On, Sloopy" Didn't Go Over Too Well Either

Bruce Springsteen started a recent concert by yelling to the crowd "hello, Ohio."
The concert was at the Palace of Auburn Hills outside Detroit, Michigan.
He said it a couple times before Steve Van Zandt (who looks a lot like the guy who played Silvio on the Sopranos -- maybe I should do a WDYGMR?) told him they were in Michigan.
The Boss said the mistake is "every front man's nightmare."




For those who don't get the reference in the headline, for some reason "Hang On Sloopy" is an Ohio State song (complete with shouting "O-H-I-O" during the lulls in the song). Even harder to explain is why Bruce plays it at concerts. And most disturbingly, Pizza Parlor Derek went to a Springsteen concert, but in an effort to beat traffic he left right before what he thought was the final song, only to learn later he missed "Hang on Sloopy." Pizza Parlor Darren hasn't spoken to him since.

Truth is "Hang on Sloopy" is the official rock song of the state of Ohio, thanks to this resolution passed in 1985. It's worth the time it takes to read.

Oh, Ohio and Michigan hate each other.

World's Smallest Mother

Stacey Herald is 2-feet, 4-inches tall, and her new son will already be half her size when he is born.

The 35-year-old from Dry Ridge, Ky., was told by doctors that a baby would grow so large inside her tiny body it could eventually crush her organs, strangling her from the inside out.

But she has already defied the odds by having two healthy daughters.

"The doctors all told me that I would die,” she said. “They begged me not to have a baby. Even my mother said, 'You know you won't survive right?'"

However, Herald and her husband, Will, insist their kids are a gift from God.

Herald suffers from osteogenesis imperfecta, which causes brittle bones and underdeveloped lungs. The condition stunted her growth and forces her to use a wheelchair.

She’s currently 30 weeks pregnant and admits that it’s getting tougher to move around.

Weekly Picks

I'm having a horrible run of luck and if I don't get hot this will be the worst season I've had since I started picking games on this blog. I think I have a few games I like this week though.

denver +3 1/2 WASHINGTON
The Redskins level of play is equal to the Rams, Bucs or Lions. Would either of those teams be giving only 3 and a half in this game? I know the Broncos lost two in a row and looked bad doing it, but even though the Redskins defense is decent, they never force the turnovers that have done in Kyle Orton.

new england +3 INDIANAPOLIS
It's amazing how much difference one player can make, especially with a safety. But we saw it with Troy Polamula this year, we've seen it with Bob Sanders in the past, and we're seeing it with Bob Sanders again this year.

new orleans -13 1/2 ST. LOUIS
The Saints have just eked out a couple but I predict total domination in this one, something like 31-7 seems about right.

baltimore -10 1/2 CLEVELAND
The Ravens are going to kill Brady Quinn. They are the team I was talking about last week. Good enough to beat bad teams, not good enough to beat good teams.

BEST BET
atlanta -1 1/2 CAROLINA
The Falcons are Exhibit A on my new theory of the NFL though. Their three losses coming against New Orleans, New England and Dallas. Carolina is not in that class.


Last week: 1-4 (0 points)
Season: 10-25 (19 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (4-5)
Home Favorites: 1-3 (6-7)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-1)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (8-7)
Road Underdogs: 0-1 (5-10)

Chase Cheers for Laurie

A brief low-quality, low-light clip of Chase from the Laurie Berkner concert.

Happy Anniversary Blessing in Diguise

A year ago today I was called into an office and told my services were no longer needed.

The month that followed was extremely difficult, filled with anger and worry about what was to come of my family and my future.

The other 11 months have been filled with hope, hard work and a renewed discovery of my skills and value. And some extra cash, thanks to the 12 weeks of severance I collected while working at my new job.

While I didn't know it at the time, on that day one year ago, The Universe gave me exactly what I needed.

I said it back then, that this would work out for the best and unquestionably getting laid off was the best thing that could have happened for me.

I'd Pay $1000 For This

The government is selling all of Bernie Madoff's shit including this too-sweet 80s-era Mets satin jacket personalized with Madoff on the back.
The Wall Street Journal says this item will go for $500 - $720 but I think it will fetch $1000 easily.

Furious George Did This

In a shocking episode of Oprah they unmasked Charla Nash, the woman whose face was destroyed by Travis the domesticated (or so we thought) chimp, dubbed Furious George.

Nash lost her nose, hands, an eye lid and lips. Surgeons had to remove her eyes in April due to an infection.

She walks around with a hat and veil, but Oprah lifted that veil. Nash has bandages over her scalp, no eyes, a bloody scar where her left eye used to be and a chunk of skin, transplanted from her thigh, in the middle of her face where her nose and mouth once were.

Underneath that hunk of flesh is a hole where her surgically rebuilt tongue is, allowing Nash to softly speak. She is hoping to get a face transplant (like Connie Culp and James Maki) including a mouth and new lips, so she can eat again.

I did not include the picture in this post because it would be disturbing to most if not all of you, but if you want to see it, click here, but don't say I didn't warn you.

A Long List of Very Specific Rules

I have never worked as a waiter or held any other job in a restaurant but I like rules, espcially ones that only sticklers follow. Other than that I can't really explain why I enjoyed the New York Times's list of 100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do.

I recommend reading the entire list but for those of you with ADHD (Juice and the Juicette) here are some selected favorites with my own commentary.

2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.
I would go to the movies, even to sporting events alone, but I would never eat out alone. Isn't that why they invented takeout. Even so, I can see how "are you waiting for someone?" is a bad question to ask.

12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass.
Keep your grubby fingers away from where I put my mouth.

23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.
This would never happen with me but seems like a good idea for the oenophiles among the Poopheads.

38.Do not call a guy a “dude.”
39. Do not call a woman “lady.”
I guess that would make singing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" a double no-no. I can see the prohibition on "dude", especially at a classy place, but what's wrong with lady? I actually prefer it to woman, and I think most ladies would prefer it to ma'am.

41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.
I say no problem all the time but I'm working hard on using "you're welcome" instead.

62. Do not fill the water glass every two minutes, or after each sip. You’ll make people nervous.
This one's for The Concierge.

73. Do not bring soup without a spoon. Few things are more frustrating than a bowl of hot soup with no spoon.
As someone who orders soup nearly everywhere I go, this one is particularly close to my heart. Though I can say it doesn't happen too often. But I think this rule may have been inspired by the old joke. "taste the soup -- ah-cha."

Best Mets Seasons All-Time

Mets Weekly did a series this year on the best individual season by a Met in team history. The only rule, no player could have more than one season on the list.

10. Johan Santana - 2008
9. John Olerud - 1998
8. Jerry Koosman - 1969
7. Jose Reyes - 2006
6. Mike Piazza - 1999
5. Carlos Beltran - 2006
4. Darryl Strawberry - 1987
3. David Wright - 2007
2. Tom Seaver - 1971
1. Dwight Gooden - 1985 [corrected]

Number one is easy, and reviewing it, the rationale for making 1971 Seaver's year is fine with me as well. David Wright's 2007 is a little too high, as is Santana's 2008. I like some seasons by lesser lights like Robin Ventura (32 and 100 in 1999), Bernard Gilkey (30 and 117 in 1996), Lance Johnson (in 1996 he had exactly the same OPS as Reyes in 2006) and Craig Swan (led the NL in ERA in 1978). But I think the biggest omission is Howard Johnson's 1989 (36 and 101 plus 41 steals).

Proud to Be An American

On this Veteran's Day I had the privilege of meeting Marine Corporal Aaron Mankin. I shook his hand (his left one) and thanked him for his service.

In 2005, Mankin was a Marine combat correspondent assigned to cover Operation Matador, a mission to root out insurgents near the Syrian border north of the Euphrates River. Mankin was riding in an amphibious assault vehicle when a massive explosion from an IED made from old artillery ammunition rocked the 26-ton vehicle.

The violent blast threw Mankin down inside the vehicle. When the instant haze of chaos and concussion cleared, Mankin opened his eyes. He was on fire.

The incident left Mankin with 25 percent of his body burned. His genetic predisposition to generate unusually high amounts of scar tissue caused his facial features to gradually contort, eventually twisting and fusing his nose and mouth area so much that his mouth shrank to a tiny, taut opening about an inch below an asymmetrical half-nose that, without its natural tip, displayed irregularly large nostrils and an upturned look.

Mankin underwent about 40 surgeries, including myriad skin grafts and an operation to open his mouth back up so he could eat normally.



I hope all of you take the time today to think about those who are risking their lives so we can continue to write blogs or whatever shit you do that you wouldn't be able to do in most other countries in the world.

Sammy Sosa is White

A shocking new picture of Sammy Sosa shows the slugger's skin has dramtically whitened since his baseball career ended.
Several possible explanations: vitaligo, some kind of condition caused by steroid use or perhaps he's bleaching his skin like Michael Jackson.



One theory ruled out, bad lighting. His wife looks the same in both pictures:




"It's a bleaching cream that I apply before going to bed and whitens my skin some," Sosa said during the "Primer Impacto" program at the Univision Spanish network.

"It's a cream that I have, that I use to soften [my skin], but has bleached me some. I'm not a racist, I live my life happily," said a smiling Sosa during the interview.

Song of the Week

"SpottieOttieDopaliscious" - Outkast
This might be the most universally revered song in the history of music. Every single person I've ever spoken to about it absolutely loves it. When I first met Mrs. Poop she owned "Aquemini" and I asked her which her favorite track is. After saying "Rosa Parks" at first, she changed her mind and said "track 12."
That's when I knew I found my SpottieOttieDopaliscious angel.
Or maybe it was because "her neck was smellin sweeter than a plate of yams in extra syrup and her eyes were beamin like four carats apiece just blindin a [African-American gentleman]."



"Funny how shit come together sometimes ya dig
One minute you frequent the booty clubs
The next four years you and somebody daughter
Raising your own young'n"