Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Where Are They?

Damn, still shriveled like raisins

More Funny Names

We've had a lot of fun with Chris Porn and Matt Haryasz but here's a couple better ones.

Kansas State softball player
Eastern Illinois linebacker
The most prominent name in Seton Hall women’s basketball history

Change of Clothes

Steve Francis went to Orlando after the Washington game to get some clothes. He ran out of clothes. I think he could have bought a new suit. Anyway, he decided to stay an extra day because his daughter was sick. Once they realized it was a virus he flew to San Antonio, but arrived only an hour before game time.

Success is 1% Inspiration and 99% Perspiration

If that's true Tennessee Coach Bruce Pearl is going to have a lot of success. That sweaty pig regularly perspires so much during games that his entire shirt and jacket are soaked through. Most disturbingly, his pants were completely dark with sweat during the last game also. This isn't the best picture, but it was the only one I could find. If you see better sweatier pictures please let me know.

The Concierge would recommend suits of natural breathable fibers

Not a Faker?

I must admit I ripped the guy who got carried off the court on a gurney after being hit in the face by a ball tossed by Kevin Garnett. Now he says he wants to be left alone and has no intention of suing Garnett or the team. He was temporarily dazed and arena staff insisted on taking him out on the gurney. A witness says the guy was bending down at the time to get some cotton candy and was caught off guard, but that the ball was thrown so lightly that it couldn't have broken a nail, much less his nose. I must admit his daughter looked very traumatized by the incident. Garnett was ejected and fined $5000.

You Really Made It Your Own

Normally I hate Barry Bonds, but this I like. The team played "Giants Idol," in which all the Giants and training staff members who are in their first major-league training camp had to perform atop the Giants dugout at Scottsdale Stadium. They were judged by a three-person panel.
Shortstop Omar Vizquel played the part of "American Idol" curmudgeon Ryan Seacrest; second baseman Ray Durham was Randy Jackson; and pitcher Jeff Fassero was Simon Cowell.
But the biggest laughs went to Bonds, who dressed in full drag with fake breasts under his strapless get-up to portray Abdul, the Chronicle said.
The event will conclude Wednesday.

American Idol Lookalikes

Bill wanted me to point out the similarities between Lisa Tucker and Lisa Turtle. If you don't know who is whom please stop reading this blog immediately.

Screech had jungle feverBut can she do the sprain?

It's Over

Nick Lachey's douchebag brother won Dancing with the Stars. Stacy Keibler finished third as jealous housewives everywhere ran to the phones to vote for Drew to prevent Stacy from winning.

Post-Olympic Malaise

I miss the Olympics.
I miss curling.
I miss Johnny Weir.
I miss Lindsey Jacobellis who broke our hearts.
I miss Tanith Belbin who stole our hearts.
I miss Cassie Johnson cuz we wanted to get into her pants.
I miss Gretchen Bleiler cuz she shrunk our pants.

Vince Young is Dumm...But He Sho izz Fast

Vince Young scored a 6 on the Wonderlic test. The Wonderlic test is given to every NFL draft prospect. It's 50 questions in 12 minutes. The timing does become a factor because you have less than 15 seconds to answer each question. But predraft prep should include practice tests and strategies, such as answer as many as you can, and don't get stuck on one question. Vince Young for some reason had either zero or poor advice in preparing for this test. He reportedly retook the test and scored a 16.
Average is 19. Only one player, an anonymous punter from Harvard ever scored 50. I took a practice test once and scored a 33.
In 1999, Donovan McNabb scored 12, Akili Smith scored 15 and Daunte Culpepper scored both a 15 and a 21. The year before, Charlie Batch had a 12 and a 15 and Aaron Brooks scored 17. You definitely don't want a quarterback dumber than Aaron Brooks. Ryan Leaf scored a 27. Brett Favre scored a 22.
There are some major questions about whether this is a predictor of success in the NFL. The answer is no. But quarterbacks have to make the correct decisions, under pressure, quickly. So I think people who say ignore it and focus only on results on the field is an idiot. Mike Vick stinks because he doesn't make the right decisions. He waits too long to throw passes and open receivers get covered. And he has a strong arm. Vince Young doesn't.
I would be very worried if I were an NFL team drafting Vince Young.

Here are three sample Wonderlic questions CNN was running with:
What is the ninth month?
If a pad costs 21 cents, how much do 4 pads cost?
If you can buy a foot of rope for ten cents, how many feet can you buy with 60 cents?

The questions do get progressively harder, but if you can't get at least 10 of those right there is definitely something wrong.

Here's a sample Wonderlic. I haven't taken it yet. Please post actual scores in the comments section,

Monday, February 27, 2006

A Nice Day for a Cuse Wedding

This photo and blurb were placed in the latest edition of the Newhouse Network by Stacey Katz.

Dead center, Pizza Parlor Derek, making the gay face21 Syracuse alumni in all


Fernando Vargas got a nice hematoma (and a loss) in his fight against Shane Moseley. This reminds me of the hematoma by which all other hematomas are measured, Hasim Rahman's that he got from a head butt during a fight with Evander Holyfield. After watching that fight we went out and saw a girl with huge tits. I told Shoeb that she had been flatchested until Holyfield head butted her. From that point forward large breasts became Rahmans. Vargases will also be acceptable.

It looks like a tumor

It's not a tumor

Olympic Nip Slip

They don't give out medals for nip slips at the Olympics but Russian ice dancer Oksana Domnina would have deserved a gold. Here's a not safe for work look at her wardrobe malfunction.

The Sounds...of Curling

The Olympics are over but curling is still in our hearts. Listen to these highlights of the Olympic curling tournaments, men's and women's. Also check out Part 2.

Starting the Season Off on the Wrong Foot

After painful negotiations I have reached an agreement in terms to attend Mets Opening Day with Scott Isaacs and Shawn James.

I hope this does not turn out to be a bad omen for the Mets season. With all the worries about Pedro's toe my presence may serve as a jinx.

In October I watched the Giants beat the Redskins 36-0. When I wasn't at the game the Redskins won 35-20. A 51 point swing.

Earlier in January the Knicks were streaking, had won 6 in a row. Then The Concierge took me to the game against Minnesota on Martin Luther King Day. The Knicks are 2-18 since.

The Brits Love Streakers

Midway through the United States' 8-6 win over Britain, a man wearing what appeared to be a strategically placed rubber chicken ran onto one of the covered sheets of ice not being used in that session. He danced around for a bit but never tried to approach any of the players.
Curlers probably feel a little safer than most athletes -- it's hard for intruders to run across ice, especially if they're naked. John Shuster said he never felt in danger.
"Olympic security's been amazing here," he said. "We weren't worried at all."
A couple of security officials from the venue hovered near the streaker for several seconds before finally covering him and leading him away.

J-Mac Follow-Up

A little more on J-Mac the kid who scored 20 points in 4 minutes.
First of all, in a childhood picture he was wearing a New York Mets #18 shirt.
His final stats for the game were 4 minutes, 20 points on 7-13 shooting. He was 6-10 from three point range. He said he was "hot as a pistol" and that it was like he was shooting into "a huge bucket."

I love that all the kids in the stands had pictures of him on a stick

Sunday, February 26, 2006

R.I.P. Mr. Furley

Don Knotts, who kept generations of TV audiences laughing as bumbling Deputy Barney Fife on "The Andy Griffith Show" and would-be swinger landlord Ralph Furley on "Three's Company," has died. He was 81.

Cute as a Button

The thing I will miss most about these Olympics, even more than curling, is figure skating announcer Dick Button. The 1948 and 1952 Olympic gold medalist is 76 years old and was actually born a few towns away in Englewood.
Dick is like an old, sometimes bitter, sometimes warm and always hilarious uncle.
During the Olympics he praised some skaters as "delightful" or "pleasant," while some were "pleasing" to him.
He had several comments about the ladies. He said about one girl, "the trousers really help her physique." Another was described as a "lovely figured lady" and after one particularly elegant performance he said "that's a lady skating."
He called one pairs team "a nice couple, you'd like to have them over for dinner. They wouldn't spill wine on your table cloth."
But there was a dark side to Dick Button. He said some positions were "unattractive" while others were just plain "ugly." He criticized many skaters for lacking "passion" or "fire" and pointed out that several teams were lacking "romance." Not sure if that included the brother and sister duo.
He also tended to harp on the things he didn't like for a long time.
My favorite Buttonism though was when he described Barbara Fusar-Poli's behavior to her partner after their fall as "the biggest hissy-fit of all time."
To punctuate the flash of Dick Button into my life I will now share with you all the questions from Sports Illustrated and the answers from Dick Button, in this week's SI "Pop Culture Grid."

Michelle Kwan is...a great friend, champion and thoughtful lady

Favorite website? No answer (I think that's because "I grew up in a simpler time, before the internet, before e-mail, before the telephone even. If you wanted to talk to someone, you went to see them in person. Or you sent them a telegram. It was a much more elegant and graceful way to interact" wouldn't fit on the page.)

What did you eat for breakfast this morning? Prunes to keep my timing regular

Would you go on Dancing with the Stars? As the star or the klutz? I'd be a better klutz.

Song that pumps you up? The U.S. national anthem (I sense a note of phony patriotism there, I imagine his real answer is Ruff Ryderz Anthem.)

Dumbest thing you ever did in the snow? Piddle my name in the snowbank in Chinese.

Most interesting thing you brought to Turin? An appetite for Italian cooking. (That's actually not that interesting.)

An Awful Olympic Experience

U.S. short track speed skater Kimberly Derrick stepped up to the startling with tears in her eyes and a hole in her heart.
Her grandfather, Darrel Edwards, 74, died from an apparent heart attack while in Torino to see his granddaughter skate in her first Olympics.
"This was the most emotional day of my life,'' she said in a statement after the race. "I'm proud to be at the Olympics and at the same time, my heart hurts so much. When I got onto the ice I was overcome by emotions, but I knew I had to race.''
"I knew I had to race because that's what my grandfather would want me to do,'' Derrick said. "He was my biggest fan, the one who held my hand while chasing my dream. He was and forever will be my pillar of strength.''
She actually sprinted to an early lead in the four-woman race, but quickly fell back to second, then third and finally last. She bumped Liesbeth Mau Asam of the Netherlands while trying to pass in a turn, but never came close to catching the top two skaters. Derrick was disqualified for impeding, but it didn't really matter. She crossed the line in last place, her hands on her knees.
Edwards' daughters, Patty Edwards and Holly Derrick (the skater's mother), were with him when he died at 6 p.m. Friday. Derrick, a 20-year-old college sophomore from Caledonia, Mich., quickly joined her mourning family.

Broken Record

I know I've said this before, maybe even a couple times but I think Friday night's action proves my point about Melo and LeBron.

Here's an excerpt from the article about Cleveland's 102-94 loss to Washington:
"James finished with 25 points, but went 0-for-8 from the field and 4-for-12 from the foul line in the second half as Cleveland dropped its second straight after winning three in a row. James missed his final seven from the line -- and was even booed in the final minutes. After missing a shot from the wing with 5 seconds left, he angrily ripped off his headband, threw it into the crowd and walked off the court."

Here's an excerpt from the article about Denver's 102-101 win over Minnesota in overtime:
"Anthony scored 30 points, including the game-winning 3-pointer in overtime. "Yeah, I think that was the best of any big shot I've hit, most likely," Anthony said. "I didn't have nothing to do, but to shoot."
"That game was just fun to play in," he added. "An adrenaline rush."
After Minnesota took the lead with the help of two straight steals, Anthony launched the game-winning 3-pointer with 3.4 seconds left and Trenton Hassell right on him. As the ball went through the net, Wolves coach Dwane Casey slammed the scorer's table in frustration."

I think that says it all.

The NBA's version of Sasha Cohen

Financing the Olympic Dream

Watching the Olympics these past two weeks has made me wonder how do these athletes do it? How do they afford to keep training and competing on basically no income.
Julia Mancuso, gold medalist in the giant slalom had help from her father.
"He came over when I was struggling a couple of years ago, arranged to get a car and a trainer in Austria, and also with an apartment," Mancuso said. "It's been really great to have that kind of support."
But that wasn't until he served five years in jail for what authorities said was his role in operating a $120 million marijuana distribution ring.
He was able to keep most of his assets in the plea bargain, and also has his hand in some real estate development business.
Maybe now those T-shirts and sweatshirts Mancuso brought to Italy will sell a little better. The 20 pair of "Super Jules" underwear she brought "might be the biggest sellers," she said.
In case you don't remember Mancuso, she skied some early races with no helmet just a tiara. Picabo Street ripped her, calling her immature and said "lose the tiara."
With her gold medal run, Mancuso said "up yours Picabo" and "thanks dad" and "thanks potheads, couldn't have done it without you."
A victory the Concierge can appreciate

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Hey Ladies, He's Single

Apparently John Rocker is looking for love on the internet. The former redneck closer for the Atlanta Braves has a profile posted on match.com. There's no way to be certain that this is really him and not an impostor but we'll run with it nonetheless.
BullpenJohn is ready for a committed relationship and he wants kids, "definitely." He hopes to find someone who will is willing to focus on motherhood. He is more mature now than he used to be. He's trying to quit smoking; his interests include museums and art; his best feature is his calves and his turn-ons include erotica. I think that means porn.

Queers with AIDS and Asian women who can't drive need not apply

Damn Vandals

Not Gay
Mom, I told you, I am not gay
The members of the 1985, 1996 and 2001 Ohio State NCCA Championship teams will be recognized for their contributions to the Ohio State men's gymnastics program at the meet against Penn State.
Daren Lynch won the national championship in Vault in 2001.
Pizza Parlor Derek says this became necessary after their trophies were vandalized.
Unfortunately Daren didn't give enough advance notice so a trip to Columbus for the occassion was not possible. There are still plans to visit Daren and the Waffle House in Columbus for a football game in the fall.
Daren vaulting into our hearts

Now It Can Be Told

After several references to it in the past few weeks I think I should explain the incident between Pizza Parlor Derek's mother and me.
Back in 1998 we stopped at PP Derek's house on the way to Wrestlemania in Boston.
When we got there his mom was watching figure skating on TV. Rudy Galindo was skating to a medley of The Village People's greatest hits and mincing around like a nancy boy on the ice. I commented that it was funny that he was doing this because he is gay. Derek's mom said "no, they just showed his wife, he's not gay." I said "I just read an article about him and he's gay and he has a partner and a lot of his friends died of AIDS." She insisted one more time, and so did I.
Over the years the story became a microcosm of everything that's wrong with me (I'm obnoxious, I always have to be right, I insult people and I have no couth). That couth thing came right from Josh.
Years later the truth came out and Derek's mom admitted to having gotten Galindo confused with Paul Wylie. Ever since then I have brought this up during any discussion of homosexuality. And that went on to serve as a microcosm for how I never let jokes die and I like to beat dead horses. But that's another matter. I hope you enjoyed the story.

Rudy Galino -- In the Navy

Friday, February 24, 2006

Billionth Download

Some kid downloaded "Speed of Sound" by Coldplay from iTunes.
He did not know it, but it was the billionth song the site had sold.
So at 12:45 a.m., his phone rang. It was an Apple employee, telling him that in addition to the song, Apple was giving him a 20-inch iMac, 10 iPods and a $10,000 gift card for the iTunes store. It is even establishing a scholarship at the Juilliard School in his name.

Tightass School Censors Student Newspaper

Some Noblesville (Indiana) High School students say they are being censored after the superintendent of Noblesville schools decided that the school paper will not be allowed to run a controversial article on oral sex.
"I think it's well written and in context, I don't think that this subject would offend people," said Jill Gingery, the paper's editor-in-chief.
"It's nothing that we're not going to learn anyway or nothing that we don't know," said student Yury Diaz.

That's a great defense. These sluts are going to blow us anyway, we should let them learn how to do it right.

Weir Going Shopping

Washington Post goes on a shopping spree with Johnny Weir.

He calls the Louis Vuitton store Louie, and he's been there six or seven times in two weeks.
He spend $1330 in two hours on Monday.
He buys children's sizes at Lacoste.
While in Italy he bought: five pairs of shoes, a pair of rabbit fur hand warmers, a Dolce and Gabana sweatshirt (Sex trainer: best to practive seven days a week) and a $715 sable scarf (he got it for $415).
His favorite item of clothing is a Roberto Cavalli beaver-and-python coat.
He loves US Weekly and is reading Nicole Richie's book.
He is "a little Jewish" because in a past life he was a little Jewish girl in Poland during WWII.
He has 103 pairs of sunglasses, 45 by Dior. He polishes them.
His closet is organized by designer then color.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Thanks to a great draw to the button by skip Pete Fenson in the 10th end, the U.S. Curling team took the bronze medal with an 8-6 victory over Great Britain. A great tournament for them. I hope this serves to bring the great sport of curling to the American sporting public.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Poor Ben Agosto

It has long been my contention that Ben Agosto kept Tanith Belbin has his ice dancing partner even at the risk of his Olympic dream (she was not an American citizen) because he wanted to get in her pants. I felt it was one of those deals where he's in love with her but they're just friends. She complains to him about her boyfriend and it eats him up inside. What a kick in the pants it was when she referred to him as her best friend on national TV. Turns out Tanith has been in a long term relationship with Canadian figure skater Fedor Andreev (the son of one of Belbin and Agosto’s coaches, Marina Zoueva).

maybe he is better looking than Ben
Tanith, Fedor and two random Asian peeps

J-Mac is Better Than G-Mac

It was the stuff of Hollywood, but it was real.
Senior Jason McElwain had been the manager of the varsity basketball team of Greece Athena High School in Rochester, N.Y.
McElwain, who's autistic, was added to the roster by coach Jim Johnson so he could be given a jersey and get to sit on the bench in the team's last game of the year.
Johnson hoped the situation would even enable him to get McElwain onto the floor a little playing time.
He got the chance, with Greece Athena up by double-digits with four minutes go to.
And, in his first action of the year, McElwain missed his first two shots, but then sank six three-pointers and another shot, for a total of 20 points in three minutes.
"My first shot was an air ball, by a lot, then I missed a lay-up," McElwain recalls. "As the first shot went in, and then the second shot, as soon as that went in, I just started to catch fire."
"I've had a lot of thrills in coaching," Johnson says. "I've coached a lot of wonderful kids. But I've never experienced such a thrill."
The crowd went wild, and his teammates carried the excited McElwain off the court.
"I felt like a celebrity!" he beamed.
McElwain's mother sees it as a milestone for her son.
"This is the first moment Jason has ever succeeded (and could be) proud of himself," reflects Debbie McElwain. "I look at autism as the Berlin Wall, and he cracked it."
His teammates couldn't be happier.
"He's a cool kid," says guard Levar Goff. "You just get to know him, get used to being around him. A couple of weeks ago, he missed practice because he was sick. You feel different when he's not around. He brings humor and life to the team."
Jason's next goal: to graduate.

Hottest American Idol Contestant Ever

Becky O'Donohue has my vote for American Idol. I hope Kate and I get her in the pool. Her and her hot twin sister, Jessie (who couldn't audition due to throat surgery) once posed in Maxim, as models for a baseball story. They've also been on Fear Factor. Usually, prepubescent girls find some dorky guy (justin, clay, constantine) to vote for. Do you think dorky pimply faced boys will spend their time texting in votes for this hottie? Good thing this wasn't too embarrassing for them. But remember when someone takes photos of you for a magazine, they own those pictures, forever. So if Justin every becomes famous those pictures he took for "Hairy Chests" will surely get published.

Now she's showing off her pipes to Simon
I'd like to get to second base with these two
and third base

Olympic Lookalikes

Emily Hughes and Alyson Hanigan
Italian speed skater Enrico Fabris and Paul Pfeiffer
Sasha Cohen and the girl from The Never Ending Story

Face of a Choker?

Sasha Cohen (no relation to Brian) skates for Olympic gold tonight. But I have a bad feeling she is going to choke. In her career she has never been able to be at her best when the pressure was at its highest. And I know she is technically in the lead right now but the difference is so miniscule she's going to need to win the long program in order to even finish in the top 2. I bet she screws up and takes home bronze. Some athletes summon their best under pressure, others consistently fail. I hope we don't see Sasha making the Peyton Manning face tonight.

Expensive Air Jordans

Michael Jordan is trying to raise money from Hurricane Katrina victims. He is selling all 21 Air Jordans, autographed with a starting bid of $425,000.
There's also a couple other cool things.

1836 86ed

The idiots at MLS have decided the nickname 1836 for the new Houston franchise (formerly the San Jose Earthquakes) isn't such a great idea after all. Not becausae the name is downright ridiculous, but because the Mexican-Americans were upset. Apparently that year brings to mind some bad memories of war, and the killing of Mexicans at the Alamo.

Larry Doesn't Look Pleased

Marbury and Francis are quite Batman and Robin, nor do they bring the ooooh or the aahhhhhh

Don't Fuck With Tiger

The golf match play championship tournament is going on right now. In case you don't understand match play scoring in golf here's how it works. Instead of competing against everyone, you go against one guy, and you only count which guy gets a better score on each hole. Total strokes don't matter, and there are usually a lot of halved holes.
So Tiger is playing some joker named Stephen Ames. Before the match, Ames says: "Anything can happen. Especially where he's hitting the ball."
Bad idea.
Tiger birdied the first 6 holes, he won the first 9 holes, then halved the 10th to clinch the victory at the earliest possible time.
The post match press conference:
He was asked he had seen what Ames said.
Did it motivate him?
Asked if he cared to elaborate, Woods smiled.
Asked about his reaction to Ames' comments in a press conference, Woods said, "Nine and eight."
Meaning, 9 holes up with 8 to go, eliminating him the fastest way possible, which is exactly what he did.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Is This Real? If so, Are They Real?

This picture has been making its way around the blogs and message boards. An Iowa student posing for a picture with ESPN hottie sideline reporter Erin Andrews. I suppose it could be a photoshop job but it looks pretty damn good to me. Will effort confirmation. And we'll await Justin's comments on its authenticity.

Thanks for the mammaries

While we're talking about Erin Andrews we should mention her interview with G-Mac before Saturday's game against Louisville. She's sitting on a couch, one leg tucked under leaning towards him. Gerry (clearly terrified that his girlfriend will see this) is sitting as far away as possible. She asks Gerry what's in his iPod and then in her best sorority girl whine says "I want you to sing it." Then she said she loved the Pussycat Dolls and started singing "doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me. doncha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me."
"Ok, so that part I made up but she did ask him which he prefers, The OC or Laguna Beach (he said OC). Then he couldn't think of his favorite episode of Saved By The Bell so she threw out the Jesse pills episode. But they didn't say "there's no time, there's never any time" or "i'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so...scared."

Devastating Loss

Horrible loss for Pete Fenson and the U.S. Curling team. After a great run the team choked under the pressure against Canada in the semifinal. Shawn Rojeski had been the top-ranked third throughout the tournament. He literally missed half his shots in this match. While Canada's third was on fire. The U.S. couldn't get the early lead and spent the rest of the match playing catch-up. The final score (11-5) was not indicative of how close a game it really was. The U.S. went for broke in the 9th end and gave up 5 points. But even had they given up 1, a loss is a loss. Fenson played a great game early, keeping the team in it with some incredible draws. He was like a pitcher who three innings in a row is faced with the bases loaded and none out due to bad defense. But each time he emerged unscathed. But eventually Rojeski wasted a couple rocks and they couldn't mount the offense to come back. Unfortunate also because Rojeski had been so great the whole time and Friday is the second anniversary of his mother's death (he was looking forward to comemorating it with a gold medal. Instead they'll have to pick up the pieces and try to be Great Britain (again) for the bronze. It would be horribly disappointing if they lost again, they played so great against such minimal expectations that I really hope they can come away with a medal.

Another Horrible Knicks Trade

Knicks get Steve Francis from Orlando for Trevor Ariza and Penny Hardaway. Why? I can't envision any circumstance in which Francis will help this team to the playoffs. Or that any team will ever want him from us. This is just horrible. Couldn't we have done something better with the valuable expiring contracts of Antonio Davis and Steve Francis? Marbury, Crawford, Francis, Rose -- shooting guards who don't play defense. This team is going to be horrible forever. Or for at least 5 years after they finally wise up and fire Isiah.

How I Met Your Mother Fever is Contagious, Too

I know Bill Simmons jumped the shark about two years ago but I still read him. In his latest mailbag he discussed take one for the team shows, ie chick shows he could stand to watch with his wife to make up for all the time he spends watching sports.

""How I Met Your Mother" -- Has a chance to supplant "Party of Five" as the Babe Ruth of this list because it's genuinely funny at times, it's always well-structured, and it disguises itself perfectly as "a show for men and women" when it's really a show exclusively for women. For instance, what guy do you know would meet a beautiful girl at a wedding, agree not to make a move on her for the entire night, then stick to that agreement and allow her to walk away? Has this ever happened before? Ever? On the other hand, the TV broadcaster and Ted's new girlfriend rank alongside the Barton/Bilson combo. Outstanding work by this show. We'll see whether they end up neutering the guys like "Friends" did. I remain skeptical."

Btw, its crazy to talk about this show and not even mention the comedic genius that is NPH. But that's the Simmons we're stuck with now. Complain about everything and never say anything positive.

For My Doubters

Everything I said about Donald Trump was true. The text of his letter was accurate. No libel suits necessary.

ESPN's Gift to Pizza Parlor Derek

Tonight ESPN2 at 7:30pm, The Season: Tennessee Basketball.
That hopefully means Bruce Pearl zaniness.
Now I know you are saying "but Paul, that's going to conflict with the last two ends of the U.S. vs. Canada curling match."
To that I say "I'd like to meet the man who invented the DVR and thank him for his service to the betterment of society."

Charge My Waffles

Waffle House, which for more than half a century prided itself on serving the 'poor ol' cash customer,' now is looking to help diners who use credit cards.
By the end of March, Visa and Mastercard will be accepted in all of Waffle House's 713 company-owned restaurants in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina and Texas.
"Cash-only" signs will disappear from the distinctly down-home, blue-collar eateries famous for offering inexpensive eggs, grits and hash browns "smothered and covered" in cheese and onions.
"For the longest, we've been cash based, looking out for the 'poor ol' cash customer,' but customers expressed interest in use of credit cards," said Charnae Knight, spokeswoman for Norcross, Ga.-based Waffle House.
Customers have been able to use credit cards in Waffle House's 300 metro Atlanta restaurants since the end of January and another 800 franchise restaurants likely will follow suit soon, Knight said. In the past, some franchise owners installed ATM machines in their restaurants so customers would have access to cash, she said.
Waffle House restaurants allowed only cash since the opening of the company's first restaurant in 1955 in the Atlanta suburb of Avondale Estates. Knight said the decision to heed customer demand for credit cards will not affect prices and will not change the atmosphere of the restaurants.
"It'll still be the same, we're just taking plastic now," she said.
There are more than 1,500 Waffle Houses spread across 25 states, as far west as Arizona and as far north as Illinois.

Trump Bitchslaps Martha

Martha Stewart claimed her version of The Apprentice failed because there were two Apprentices on at the same time. She said when she agreed to do the show she was told Trump would stop, and her first episode would begin with her firing the Donald. Here is the letter he wrote to Martha about this. The ImClone shot was a low-blow.

Dear Martha:

It's about time you started taking responsibility for your failed version of The Apprentice. Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything else a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it - and your low ratings bore me out.

Between your daughter, with her one word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance - much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records.

Despite this, I did nothing but positively promote you. Your only response to your failed show was that, "I thought that I was supposed to fire Donald Trump!" You knew this was not true - NBC would never fire me when The Apprentice was, for a good period of time, the #1 show on television and my recent finale, where I hired Randal, was the #2 show for the week, easily beating the competing finale of Amazing Race and others. Even Mark Burnett said, "Thank God that didn't happen," when asked about firing Donald Trump.

Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone. The only difference is - that was more obvious. Putting your show on the air was a mistake for everybody - especially NBC.

In any event, my great loyalty to you has gone totally unappreciated.

Donald J. Trump

P.S. Be careful or I will do a syndicated daytime show, perhaps called The Boardroom, and further destroy the meager ratings you already have!