Baseball is Poop

Welcome Back John Lackey
Angels pitcher John Lackey's season debut lasted only two pitches. The first one sailed behind Rangers second baseman. When the second one plunked Kinsler, umpire Bob Davidson ejected Lackey.
Lackey said he didn't intend to hit Kinsler or send a message, he was just too keyed up for his debut.
Kinsler did hit two homers off the Angels the night before, but other than that there doesn't seem to be a reason why they would be going after Kinsler.
Lackey didn't have to wait a full five days for his spot in the rotation, he started 2 days later.

How To Get the Other Team's Best Hitter Out of the Lineup
Tampa Bay Rays third baseman and best player, Evan Longoria didn't get to play in a game against the Indians, even though he was listed in the starting lineup.
Rays manager Joe Maddon intended to have Longoria DH so he could rest, but he mistakenly put a 5 next to his name in the lineup card.
After Ben Zobrist took the field at third during the first inning, Indians manager Eric Wedge brought the mistake to the attention of the umpires who ruled the Rays should lose their right to have a designated hitter, forcing pitcher Andy Sonnanstine to bat -- in the third spot in the lineup.
Longoria was not lost for the game though, he could have replaced Zobrist at that point.

Kaz Matsui Doesn't Need Help Making Outs
Houston Astros outfielder Michael Bourn singled to lead off the game against the Brewers, and that's when Ned Yost emerged from the dugout to protest. The official lineup card had Matsui first, so he was called out. The single was taken off the board but Bourn got to hit again. He walked, and eventually scored.

Yankee Haters Mourn
Things were going so well for us Yankee haters, A-Rod was juiced, disgraced and injured. The team's high-priced free agents were underperforming, and Joe Girardi was about to get fired. But now they Yankees have won 10 out of 11 -- four walkoff wins -- including 3 in a row. An entire series won in their final at bat. And more amazingly, they would have needed to double that to break the major league record for most consecutive walkoff wins. The 1986 Houston Astros won 5 games in a row on walkoffs, including 2 against the New York Mets.

Games Might End Before Midnight
Major League Baseball has announced that starting this year World Series games will begin before 8pm Eastern Time. What a long overdue change this is. Pretty much anyone who has a job (with normal hours) and lives on the East Coast cannot stay up for weekday World Series games anymore. Also this might give kids a chance to see at least a few innings. Brilliant move by Major League Baseball, once I hope bears itself out in the ratings.

The Next Big Thing
With the first pick in the 2009 Major League Baseball Amateur Draft the Washington Nationals will select Stephen Strasburg, pitcher, San Diego State University.
For being so shitty last year the Nats get the chance to draft the guy some are calling the best pitching prospect ever. Strasburg can hit 102 mph on the gun and he is 13-0 with a 1.24 ERA and 180 strikeouts this season. The only things possibly interfering with his destiny is a back injury (believed to be minor) and his contract demands (believed to be major). Strasburg is represented by hardass agent Scott Boras who reportedly wants to get his client a major league worthy deal -- somewhere around $50 million for the 6 years before he goes to arbitration. And the Nationals have almost no choice but to draft him, and pay him that money. And if they do he could be up with the big club by September, which is why I think anyone in a fantasy keeper league should pick Strasburg up right now.

George Brett's Shit Story

Kansas City Royals Hall of Fame third baseman George Brett tells a shit story -- not sure if he knew the thing was on camera.

Best part is, he just rolls up on someone and says "I shit my pants last night."

But even better, he says he does it at least twice a year -- and the story he tells is not even the one from last night.

LeBron James is a Murderer

Unbelievable game-winning shot by LeBron James. This shot completes his transformation from really talented player to all-around superstar who can carry a team on his back.
When a guy can do that there's almost no way to beat him.

After Turk hit his shot TNT was showing crowd reaction shots of devastated young Cavs fans, now those kids love LeBron even more. In 20 years those kids will say "I was there LeBron hit 'the shot'"

Incredible.

Scott Schoeneweis's Wife Died

The wife of Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Scott Schoeneweis was found dead at her home Wednesday.

The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office said deputies found the body of 39-year-old Gabrielle Dawn Schoeneweis on the floor of the master bedroom in the family's suburban home shortly after noon.

Authorities said her 14-year-old daughter called the sheriff's office to report that she had found her mother lying there and unresponsive.

"At this point, anything we can do to support Scott and his family, will be our focus," said Diamondbacks general manager Josh Byrnes, who was with the team. "I have talked to Scott Boras, the agent, a few times. We're trying to get the facts the best we can. It's devastating news. Everyone is taking it very hard."

Scott and Gabrielle Dawn Schoeneweis celebrated their 10th anniversary in January. They had three children together, and she already had a daughter when they were married.

"His world was just rocked. He and his kids, his family, his extended family, his in-laws, everybody's lives are changed forever. He took it as expected, very hard," Diamondbacks manager A.J. Hinch said. "As I told the team, just give him as much support as you can. Really, tell people that you love them if you do. You can never expect something like this to happen."

Francisco Rodriguez, who teamed with Schoeneweis in the Angels bullpen in 2002 and 2003, said he was "speechless" when he heard the news.

"I'm sad for him," Rodriguez said. "I can't imagine what he's going through right now, all the pain he's going through."

Former Mets teammate Ryan Church added: "He's always been able to battle through adversity because he's had cancer before. Everybody needs to be thinking about him and his family and just pray, pray a lot."

Mets manager Jerry Manuel said he still considers Schoeneweis part of his family. "I mentioned that to our people, that we've got to reach out and do all we can to help support him at this time," Manuel said. "And whatever he needs from us, we'll be here for him."

Ron Hodges is a Dick

In this day and age of the internet it seems there is nothing we don't know about our favorite athletes. And even the guys who aren't so good, we end up learning a lot about them too.

But what about those players from the past, anonymous guys mostly whose personalities are never revealed.

Two recent books I read shined a new light on former Mets catcher Ron Hodges.



In "The Torre Years" Joe Torre recounts his days as manager of the Mets. In 1978, Torre was the manager, Bob Gibson was pitching coach and Ron Hodges was backup catcher. One night Torre and Gibson were walking through the hotel lobby and they saw Hodges and another player at the hotel bar.
According to Torre's rules the hotel bar was off-limits to players. But instead of going over there himself and "catching" them, Torre sent Gibson to tell them to finish their drinks and leave. Without using these words Torre hints that Hodges told Gibson to go fuck himself and refused to leave the bar.
A backup catcher insulting one of the greatest pitchers of all-time.

Lest you think that was one isolated incident, there's this from "The Complete Game" by Ron Darling.
Before Darling's first major league game in uniform (he was not due to pitch, just sit on the bench), he got dressed in his brand new white Mets uniform and was so proud of himself that he made it to the big leagues.
Darling sat on the end of the bench to steer clear of the veterans who would actually be playing that night. Hodges walked the full length of the dugout, spit tobacco juice on Darling's leg and walked away.

Ron Hodges was a career .240 hitter. Imagine what an insufferable son of a bitch he would have been if he were actually a good player.

Update: Keith Hernandez recently told the following Ron Hoges story but prefaced it with "He isn't going to be happy I'm saying this." Hernandez said when he was with the Cardinals it was well-known that Hodges wasn't disguising his signs well enough and it was too easy to see which pitch he was calling. Hernandez said as soon as he got traded to the Mets, he told Hodges about his pitch tipping.

Adam Lambert Goes Down

In the most shocking upset in American Idol history (though Jordin over Blake was surprising) Kris Allen prevailed over Adam Lambert.

This morning people grasp at straws for answers and invariably come up with what I predicted months ago: America just isn't ready for a drag queen idol. A gay idol maybe, but not a drag queen.

There may be a certain element of revenge here. The gays getting their comeuppance for what they did to insanely hot Carrie Prejean, Miss California.

Actually, in truth I think Lambert lost because he absolutely sucked and people were tired of listening to his awful screeching.

Many times over the years I have wished Sam Cooke would rise from the dead, but none more so than when Lambert turned his most famous song (A Change is Gonna Come) into a gay anthem full of high pitched squeals, so he could reach in Lambert's throat and rip his vocal cords out.

I predict no long-term success for either Lambert or Kris Allen and I think the biggest star from this season might be Katrina Darrell thanks to her brand new fake titties.

The Fabulous Life of Zack Greinke

Could Zack Greinke's life be any better right now?
He is 7-1 with a 0.60 ERA and pretty much has the American League Cy Young Award locked up.
He's also battled back from anxiety issues that caused him to walk out of spring training a few years ago.
But more importantly he is leading the resurgence of the Outsiders (Master Bates's fantasy team) and almost impossibly, he's making JLeary look smart.

And he gets to have sex with Emily Kuchar. The former Miss USA and model was so jealous of Greinke appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated that I pray the magazine tabs her for next year's Swimsuit Issue's Players' Wives feature.

Greinke and Kuchar are engaged and will get married in the offseason.

Song of the Week

"You're Still the One" - Shania Twain

This song was probably popular 10 years ago when Mrs. Poop and I got together, she's still the one and this song is still played at weddings across the south.

I Want to See Vince McMahon Against David Stern in a Ladder Match for Rights to the Arena

Monday night is going to special in Denver. The Nuggets will host Game 4 of the NBA's Western Conference Finals, and WWE's Monday Night Raw will be in town.
Unfortunately both are scheduled for the Pepsi Center, wrestling at 6:30, and basketball at 7.
Unless they somehow figure out a way to change the laws of physics which prohibit two objects from occupying the same space at the same time, something needs to be done.
The WWE says it booked the arena last August 15th, then confirmed in March as tickets went on sale. The WWE says it signed a contract for May 25th.
But the NBA isn't budging.
"The Nuggets and the WWE understand that the date of Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals cannot be changed," NBA senior vice president Mike Bass said. "We are confident that the Pepsi Center and the WWE will resolve their scheduling conflict."
WWE President Vince McMahon blames the problem on "ineptness" by the Nuggets and says ownership didn't have enough confidence in its team.
McMahon will probably end up moving Raw and suing for millions.

The Mets Are Back to Their Old Tricks

Over the past few years the Mets have had many heart-breaking, earth-shattering, faith-shaking losses, and though it lacked the import of some of their late season collapses, last night's loss was right up there when it comes to head-scratching unlikelihood.
Over the course of one inning the Mets made three improbable mistakes -- the kind of mistakes you may not see over the course of an entire season.
And even more amazingly, the Mets could have likely won the game had they committed only two of those mistakes.
First, Ryan Church missed third base while attempting to score the go-ahead run.
The SNY crew never got a clear shot of it, but considering the reaction of everyone involved including the fact that the umpire would make such a call, it must have been the right decision.

Then, Carlos Beltran and Angel Pagan couldn't agree on who would catch a fly ball, so neither of them did.

Finally, with a chance to get out of the inning with an easy double play (or at least restore order by getting the second out), Jeremy Reed threw the ball ten feet wide of home plate.

After a month of finding new ways to lose the Mets finally turned it around and for two weeks played great baseball, hitting with men on base, running like their pants were on fire and getting great work from the revamped bullpen.

Let's hope it is these two games, not those two weeks that prove to be the abberation.

I'm Still Alive

Ten years ago Mrs. Poop and I stayed up all night talking.
Ten years later, we're still together, we're still in love, and most importantly, despite repeated threats, she hasn't killed me.

What Do You Give Me For? Michael Farber and Michael Gross

Sports Illustrated hockey writer Michael Farber has a striking resemblance to classic 80s TV dad Steven Keaton aka Michael Gross.

Baseball is Poop

Papi Sinks to a New Low
Something is wrong with David Ortiz. Without his partner in crime Manny Ramirez Ortiz has 0 home runs in 130 at bats. But in one extra inning game things got even worse for Papi when he left a small village (12 men) on base.
First inning: strikeout with a man on first (1)
Third inning: flyout with a man on second (2)
Fourth inning: strikeout out with the bases loaded (5)
Sixth inning: strikeout with a man on second (6)
Eighth inning: flyout with first and third (8)
Tenth inning: groundout with a man on first (9)
Twelfth inning: groundout with bases loaded (12)
The last five of those at bats all came with two men out.

Shut Em Out and Hit One Out
Tom Seaver used to say that before every game he'd wish the starting pitcher good luck by saying "shut 'em out and hit one out." There's no way to lose if you do that.
The Milwaukee Brewers Yovani Gallardo took Seaver's advice.
He pitched 8 shutout innings (ok, not as good as a complete game) and hit a home run, becoming the 26th pitcher to hit a homer in a 1-0 win.
Earlier in the year Gallardo became the first pitcher to hit a home runn off Randy Johnson.

If Only He Could Shut Em Out
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Micah Owings is becoming more well-known for his hitting than his pitching.
Owings has pitched poorly in 4 of his 6 starts this year (4.33 ERA isn't terrible though) but his best moment was a pinch hit home run with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th inning of a 1 run game.
The Reds lost anyway though.
For his career Owings has 6 home runs.



The Next Manny Ramirez?
Tampa Bay Rays shortstop Jason Bartlett got a lot of credit for his role in the team's reversal last season. His slick defense helped improve the team's run prevention and fuel their turnaround.
But during the 2008 season, Bartlett hit only 1 homer in 454 at abts.
Even in his best power year, 2007, he had only 5 homers in 510 at bats.
So far this season Bartlett has 5 in only 128 at bats.

Welcome Back Joe Mauer
The Minnesota Twins catcher missed all of April with an injury but he's making up for lost time in May. Mauer is batting .438, with 21 hits in 48 at bats. He also has 5 home runs and 15 RBI and an OPS of 1.347.

Welcome Back Dontrelle Willis
After getting demoted last year to try to fix his control and mental problems, things haven't gotten a whole lot better for Dontrelle Willis.
In his first start this year Willis allowed 8 hits and 4 runs in 4 2/3 innings against the Twins.

Cool Picture of the Week
Torii Hunter robbing a home run from Miguel Olivo in a one-run game in the 9th inning.



Annual Salute to Ballplayers' Pink Equipment in Honor of Mothers' Day





Tall Ball
When Randy Johnson (6'10") met up with Daniel Cabrera (6'9") they formed the tallest matchup of starting pitchers in major league history.

Paulo's Book Club: "The Complete Game"

If you ever wanted to be a Major League Baseball pitcher you should read “The Complete Game” by Ron Darling.

The book goes through a game one inning at a time, plucking one of each inning from Darling’s career – including two games he broadcast but didn’t pitch.
Each inning is selected for its ability to prove a point. His first major league inning perfectly describes his nervousness, while other innings discuss things the lefty-righty specialization in today’s game and one inning even covers Darling get rocked and throwing at a batter. That leads to several pages of discussion on pitching inside and even hitting guys when necessary.

The book doesn’t really explore each inning pitch-by-pitch, which I would have liked but I understand may have bored some. Instead the book explores the mental aspect of the game leading up those these different circumstances. And this is where Darling is refreshingly honest. Not honest in that he provided every detail of life with the mid-80s Mets, but honest in that he shares what he was feeling at the time. He was nervous for his first ever start, pumped for his World Series start after seeing his dad on the field, and he even admitted when he was scared or distracted on the mound.

It’s that honesty – and the cool stories like the one about where he was when Terry Pendleton hit that infamous home run in 1987 – that make this book a must read for any Met fan, or any baseball who wants to get a better understanding of what a major league pitcher goes through.

Don't Worry the Dog is OK

A dog gets hit by a car on the Major Deegan but her son won't let cops help her.

Poop Movie Night

Now that most of our shows are reaching their season finales Mrs. Poop and I may finally have some time to catch up on the million movies we have saved on our DVR. We have three comedies (Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and You Don't Mess With the Zohan) as potential candidates for when we actually get a night off together on Saturday.
Since I'm sure most Poopheads have seen some if not all of these movies, maybe we can get some valuable input on which one to watch.

Why I Was Late For Work

Last night right before bed Chase did his normal routine every time a train goes by. He runs to the couch, climbs on, looks out the window jumps up and down while saying "chooch! chooch!"
Then when the train leaves he says the sweetest little "bye."

Before that train got to the next station it hit 17-year old Glen Rock High School junior [corrected] Nicholas Bischoff.

An engineer saw Bischoff on the tracks, sounded the horn and tried to stop but was unable to.

Bischoff was walking home from work and it's not clear if he just pressed his luck too long, but I assume it was probably suicide.

This happened at 8:50 PM, and when I went to the station to catch my 9:42 train, I found out it was cancelled. The next train, 10:39, was delayed about half an hour (even though it was headed in the other direction). So this incident made me nearly 2 hours late for work.

Song of the Week

"You" - Lucy Pearl

Someone brought this group up to me the other day and we could never figure out why they didn't have a longer career together. Rapahel Saadiq (of Tony! Tone! Toni!) Dawn Robinson (of En Vogue) and Ali Shaheed Muhammad (of Tribe Called Quest) they were like a hip-hop supergroup. And on this song they get help from Snoop and Q-Tip.

"I wonder what was on God's mind the day that he made you
I know he wrote a new Commandment after he was through"

First Streaker at CitiField

The first streaker at Citi Field showed Mets fans how to get a major league wedgie Tuesday night.
The nearly-naked doofus dashed from the first-base seats and slid into second with "Let's Go Mets" painted on his back and wearing only a stuffed animal wrapped like a thong around the middle of his strike zone for modesty.
As security guards came after the 29-year-old Queens man and more than 39,000 fans whooped and hollered, he got up with a raspberry flourishing on his right buttock, adjusted his stuffed animal and ran into center field.
The performance ended badly when he fell and the guards dragged him away through a tunnel on the third-base side.
The Braves were leading 1-0 when the streaker, identified as Craig Coakley, made his appearance in the fifth inning, but the Mets won 4-3 in 10.
Coakley was charged with interfering with a sporting event and trespassing. He is expected to be arraigned this morning.



And there's even video of the CitiField streaker:
Note: someone shouts out the N-word so be careful playing this at work



As you can tell from the video this was clearly prearranged and well thought-out, the guy may not even have been drunk.

Why Do The Rest of the Mets Hate Johan Santana?

What does this poor guy have to do?

Last year he leads the league in ERA with a 2.53, but the bullpen blows 7 games Santana left with a lead. Therefore he ended up with only 16 wins, which should have been 20 and could have been 25.

This year he's pitching even better and the bullpen has been fine, so the team is refusing to score runs for him, 15 in 7 games.

And the defense is betraying him as well. He's given up as many earned runs (4) as unearned runs.

Last night it was David Wright and Jose Reyes playing the role of saboteurs.

I won't complain because they are coming off a 7-game losing streak but you'd like to see Santana win more games, out of a general sense of fairness, but also because they need to win at least 75% of his starts in order to stay in first place in the NL East.

Face Facts

The amazing story of Connie Culp is one of the most incredible medical breakthroughs of our time. Culp was shot in the face with a shotgun by her husband. The blast shattered nearly every bone in her face.
Doctors made Culp the first receipient of a face transplant.
Doctors also did a near complete remake of her senses, she can smell and taste again but her vision is poor.
In addition to that, now Culp can smile and talk again as well.
Despite her horrible trials Culp still has her sense of humor and has become an inspiration to burn victims and other people with disfigurements.




The swelling in her face will go down and eventually she'll rebuild the muscle around her mouth so she can eat and talk more normally.

The incredible work done by these doctors makes me wish I had devoted my considerable genius to helping people instead of making boob jokes on some dumb blog.

Who Are These Guys?

Player A: 2008: 16 wins, 2.53 ERA
Player B: 2008: 15 wins, 4.77 ERA
Player A: 2009: 4 wins, 0.78 ERA
Player B: 2009: 5 wins, 7.02 ERA

Stella is Not My Mother

In his never ending quest to ruin every TV show for me Isaacs texted me immediately after “How I Met Your Mother” to tell me my mother was revealed. But we all know that Stella is not my mother so Isaacs didn’t ruin anything for me. Ted running into Stella again will evidently lead him to meet my mother, sometime soon hopefully.

Isaacs seems to think the pending reveal is a bad omen for the show but I fully expect at least two more seasons, and if they ended after that, I’d be fine with it. I’d rather they ended it on a peak, instead of dragging out the main storyline with contrived twists worthy of “24.”

But HIMYM shows no signs of slowing down, in fact, this episode was one of my favorites ever.

First of all, the entire conversation about the vagaries of the universe sounded like everything I’ve been saying on this blog for years. And the subsequent explanations (the food poisoning at Schlegel’s bagels, the dollar a day deal with the bum) were hysterical.

Ted says "a butterfly flaps its wings and it starts to rain." I've written about that too.

And Marshall’s charts (a pie chart about bars and a bar chart about pies) absolutely killed me.




And the one about Cecilia was very similar to an old Poop post.



Thanks for reading guys and keep up the good work.

Pictures on The Poop Almost Cost Another Beauty Queen

The recent controversy over Miss California has brought the heat down on another beauty pageant contestant. One of the Poop's favorite women, former Patriots Cheerleader Alysha Castonguay is the current Miss Rhode Island.

Alysha Castonguay has taken heat for this picture which has been seen by millions on The Poop.



But pageant officials saw this "topless" photo prior to the pageant and approved this, meaning Alysha won't be "stripped" of her crown (though we still hold out hope she'll be stripped of everything else).

What Do You Give Me For? Dom DiMaggio and Steve from "Sex and the City"

50 years apart and Dom DiMaggio and Steve from "Sex and the City" (real name: David Eigenberg) sure look a lot alike.

There But For The Grace of God Go I

I'm actually proud to admit that me, JLeary, Reissberg and the Conch were doing this same thing when Mike Butrym was still in short pants.

A New Jersey high school student has been suspended for organizing a contest in which boys voted on the school's best-looking girls in a bracket modeled on the NCAA basketball tournament.

Mike Butrym, of Towaco, says he was continuing a Montville High School tradition and believes his five-day suspension is too harsh.

The contest was called "May Madness." Teenage boys chose 16 female students from each grade. Each day, they paired off the girls and judged them on their appearance. Winners advanced to the next round.

The 18-year-old says many girls in the school think of the contest as a joke. He says they even started their own version judging boys.

He was suspended for "intimidation, harassment and insubordination."

Where Have You Gone, Dom DiMaggio?

Dom DiMaggio is one of my all-time favorite baseball players, but not for anything he accomplished on the field.
Dom was a pretty good player in his own right (7-time All-Star, .298 career average) but he was always overshadowed by the success of brother Joe and his best friend Ted Williams.
But after their baseball careers ended, it was Dom who had all the success. Joe got married twice and reportedly spent the rest of his life pining for Marilyn Monroe and mourning her death which he believes was caused by the Kennedys.
Ted Williams got married -- and divorced -- three times, and had unusual relationships with his children.
Dom was married to the same woman for more than 60 years and had many kids and grandkids.

Neither Joe nor Ted could find any fulfilling work post-baseball and turned into reluctant pitchman (Mr. Coffee!), but Dom became a successful plastics manufacturer and later in life was a wealthier man than either of them.

Dom DiMaggio was proof it's not how you start, it's how you finish.

Paulo's Book Club: "Living On The Black"

"Living on the Black" by John Feinstein is the finest book I have ever read about the art of pitching.



"Living on the Black" chronicles the 2007 season through the eyes of veteran pitchers Tom Glavine and Mike Mussina. While the two separate storylines sometimes make it confusing to remember who you're reading about, Feinstein enlisted two pitchers for his work because in case one got injured, or had an uninteresting season he had the other as insurance.

And that decision worked out fine as Mussina struggled with injury and ineffectiveness, Tom Glavine had a remarkable year, and his chase of his 300th win (the Number that Must Not Be Named) is the book's central theme.

I absolutely love this book and don't want to ruin it (although the ending ruins it for most Mets fans -- an entire chapter on that disastrous final start of the season for Glavine), but here's what you learn about Tom Glavine: every hit he ever gave up was the umpire's fault. He knew that he had to get outside pitches called as strikes so if the umpire didn't give it to him on one pitch, he'd go right back there, and if they umpire didn't see the first call as a mistake, he'd be down in the count 2-0.

Glavine and Mussina proved to be great choices for a book of this nature because they were both honest (they kind of come off as whiners) and intelligent, really giving the reader a feel for what a pitcher goes through as he pitches well, and especially when he pitches poorly.

It's that insight that makes "Living on the Black" a must-read.

Another One Bites the Dust

We're entering a new chapter in the Steroid Era. We already smoked out most the obvious cheaters now we're getting to the guys we didn't think were users. First it was A-Rod who we thought was too skinny and never underwent a drastic physical change. Turns out he was juicing since high school so we just never noticed.
Now it's Manny Ramirez who we thought was just too stupid and too disinterested to use steroids.
Manny was caught with HCG in his system -- a female infertility treatment. Manny says a doctor prescribed it because he was having a little trouble with little Manny. Don't buy it. He's a cheater like all the rest of them.

Since Eddie Murrary in 1996, 10 players have entered the 500 home run club. Three of those players have failed steroid tests (Rafael Palmeiro, Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez).
Two of them were implicated in the BALCO investigation (Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield).
Two more embarrassed themselves in front of Congress to the point no one even questions that they are steroids cheats (Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa).

And that leaves us with three who haven't done it or haven't been caught (Jim Thome, Frank Thomas and Ken Griffey Jr.)

I wouldn't be surprised if all three of those guys eventually get caught or admit it. Griffey might be a little shocking, but with the rash of injuries he had, I've often wondered if steroid use was a factor.

If you had any doubts or actually believed MLB's party line that most of the users were lesser players just trying to hand out, this list should dissuade you from that view.

With each passing repot it seems like Ken Caminiti underestimated when in 2002 he told Sports Illustrated 50% of major leaguers we're using steroids.

What Do You Give Me For? Tyson Jackson and Malcolm-Jamal Warner

What do you give me for Tyson Jackson, the third pick in the draft to the Kansas City Chiefs and Malcolm-Jamal Warner, the man TON accuses of ruining Mike Tyson's career.





Note: this is the third straight year the Chiefs used their first round pick on a guy from LSU -- first Dwayne Bowe, then Glenn Dorsey, now Tyson Jackson.

My New Favorite Person in the World

Britain's Got Talent judge Amanda Holden is my new Courteney Cox. After years of praying Courteney would dump David Arquette for Jeff Zucker, I've now given up forever on my dreams of Courteney Cox-Zucker becoming a reality.

Now I am hopeful that Amanda Holden (who is also pretty hot) will fall in love with Syracuse University alum, Rich Kiss.
I would call her house everyday and say "I need Amanda Holden-Kiss"

I Never Saw Her at the Mall

Because I never watched ABC's show "True Beauty" I never knew a really hot chick from Staten Island was on the show.
Laura Siani didn't win because obviously girls from Staten Island don't exactly have inner beauty. But she has big tits and a nice ass, and that's good enough for me.

Song of the Week

"Rockin That Thang" - The Dream

I absolutely love this guy. This is the second time he made SOTW and they might be the only two songs of his I ever heard.

What Have Chinese People Ever Done to You?

A strange thing is happening on Google. I'm sure you've noticed, when you type a search from the main page, it automatically offers the most popular suggestions starting with those letters.

If you Google "I am" the first thing it will display is "I am extremely terrified of Chinese people."

I Paid For Those Titties

The most villified woman in America right now is Miss California Carrie Prejean. The long and short of it is that she was asked by Perez Hilton (what's a gay dude doing judging hot bitches?) for her stance on gay marriage.
Instead of telling him what he wanted to hear she said she thinks marriage is between a man and a woman.

Let me just say I am in favor of gay marriage because I want everyone to do what they wish so long as it doesn't interfere with someone else's life.

But I'm really not concerned with gay marriage. What scares me about this new wave of liberalism as evidenced by the attacks on Ms. Prejean, we all have to share the same beliefs oR risk being publicly ostracized.

The political correctness police are threatening to take away our freedom of speech and in the case of wackos who say the Bible is against homoSexuality, their freedom of religion as well.

But none of that is why I like Carrie Prejean. I like her because she's hot. And she's hot, or at least hotter, because she has a nice new pair of titties. The Miss California Organization paid for Prejean's boob job a few months before the pageant. Take a look at the pictures and you can see the difference between her at the pageant and her previous self.








One strike against her, she may be fucking Michael Phelps.

Movie Stunt Goes Awry

The new Nic Cage movie "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is filming in Times Square and typing up traffic. During a car chase scene, something went wrong.

A Lot of that Did You Ever Notice? Kinda Stuff

Papa Poop (aka Grandpa Shell) was able to get two tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld in Atlantic City Saturday night so we breezed down for a quick trip.
By the time we got there and picked up our tickets it was about 4pm. The show started at 7:30 so we had about 3 hours to play, and since I didn’t want to burn through my money too quickly I played poker instead of craps.

I sat down at a 1-2 no limit table and about the third hand I played I got A-Q and called $15 preflop. The flop brought an ace and two rags. The guy in early position went all for $45. So his $45 plus the $60 already in (the two blinds called) gave me the pot odds to call. Of course he had ace-king and I was already down $60.

Later I got another A-Q raised to $10, bet $15 on a nothing flop, then folded on the turn to a bet of $25.

My other big hand was an A-K suited. The flop came the Kh-5c-Jc. I bet $20 and was called. The turn was the 5 of diamonds. I bet $25 and got raised to $100. I folded.

I also folded another big hand. I guy in early position raised to $25. He got called before it got to me. I had pocket 10s. I laid them down. Then the flop came A-K-2. The early raiser bet $75, so I’m pretty sure I made the right move.

At this point I was down to almost nothing. Then I went on a minirun but every time I bet everyone folded. I raised to $10 with hands like A-7, A-J, K-10 and took them all down preflop. I had pocket 7s a couple times, also raised to $10. Was called then forced to fold on the flop.

My last hand was my undoing. I limped from the small blind (only the button was in) with A-7 of hearts. The flop was J-7-4. I bet $20 and they both called. A 6 hit the turn and we all checked. An 8 hit the river and it brought three diamonds. The button checked so I bet $50 thinking I was the only one who showed any aggression, so maybe I could represent the flush, or jacks but it turns out they both made straights. The guy on my right had 5-3 and was furious that the other guy made his straight to chop on the river. I don’t know why he hung around with an inside straight draw on the flop for $20 more.

That was my last hand, I left before I could lose anymore. I don’t think I played poorly, but as usual I got no big hands, I never connected solidly with a flop and nothing I tried worked because I was always doing it at the wrong time.

Thankfully the night only went up from there.

Seinfeld was hysterical. I had seen bits of his material (the iPhone, “in Bed”) before on late night shows, but they were much better in person. He also did a brief sketch on TV news (breaking news, everything is breaking news) which I thoroughly enjoyed. None of it really stands out in my mind right now but the whole thing (about an hour maybe) was hysterical, basically the whole room was laughing the entire time. I had never seen him live before and it was a real treat, he worked the room really well saying to a couple who came in about 15 minutes after he started (“the show’s about to start”), his mannerisms, his delivery, it was all perfect.

Papa Poop treated me to a nice dinner at Morton’s (I had the scallops wrapped in bacon) and we split a baked potato the size of a football. A nice meal to wrap up a great trip.

Good Find SCZA

SCZA found a high quality video of the entire Manny Pacquiao - Ricky Hatton fight.

Note: You have to click play twice, the first time ads will appear. The second time the fight will play. You will probably need to watch this fullscreen since TON never changed this blog to the layout that accepts wide screen video.



Pac-Man is just too quick and even though he's moved way up in weight throughout his career he still has that one-punch knockout power. The guy is an absolute monster. If Mayweather beats Marquez in July, he could face Pacquiao in December. That could be the highest grossing fight of all-time (raw dollars, not adjusted for inflation) even in this period of economic turmoil.

I also love the fact that Manny doesn't seem ready to retire like every other boxer. He just wants to keep on fighting. He could get every contender between 140 and 154 -- Moseley, Margarito, Cotto -- and beat them all.

Paulo's Book Club: "The Yankee Years"

"The Yankee Years" by Joe Torre and Tom Verducci is a must-read for any Yankees fan. Unfortunately Yankees fans can't read.

For the rest of us who love baseball (even if we hate the Yankees) this is a great book covering two eras in Yankees history, their dominant run of four World Series in five years and their subsequent decline (such as it was with 2 World Series).

Before I talk about the content I think I should first explain that Joe Torre didn't write this book. Tom Verducci wrote this book, and Joe Torre was a major contributor, especially at the end.

In fact, it sort of seems as if Verducci wrote the entire thing, then all of the sudden Torre left the Yankees, and Torre jumped in and co-wrote the final few chapters, so he could give his side of the story on his departure.

The controversy surrounding the book upon its release revealed as much, you know Torre would never compare A-Rod's obsession with Jeter to "Single White Female." That was Verducci's voice, and quite possibly even his own observation.

In fact, the first part of the book is told with as much input from David Cone and bullpen catcher Mike Borzello, as it is with Torre.

That's the part of the book that describes the Yankees dynasty and it's a fascinating case study because of all the great tidbits about the individuals who breezed through that clubhouse.

For instance, I feel vindicated because for years I have been saying Paul O'Neill was a selfish player and no one believed me. This book says it explicitly, going so far as to say Yankees coaches couldn't position O'Neill in the outfield because he was too busy practicing his swing in right field.

Torre's handling of O'Neill, David Wells, then Roger Clemens and Gary Sheffield is what makes this book a great look into the mind and methods of this great manager.

But then it all turns south. Verducci explores the trends in baseball (steroids, "Moneyball") that turned the tables in the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry. And then we come to the beginning of the end for Torre and the Yankees.

Without giving too much away (you already know how it turns out though), the basic point here is that none of this would have happened if George Steinbrenner were still alive. With the Boss reduced to a drooling, shaking, crying shell of his former self, his minions took over and turned against Torre.

From Torre's perspective he was basically forced out, ending an incredibly successful 12 year run with the Yankees.

For its coverage of Torre's ups and downs as Yankees manager this book covers all the bases and I really do consider it a must read for any true baseball fan even if you hate the Yankees.

These Are the People Afraid of Swine Flu

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren't exactly the people the world should be looking to for advice during this troubling time. So when you see Heidi and Spencer on their honeymoon (in their swimsuits, her fake breasts spilling out everywhere) in Mexico wearing masks, you know there is nothing to worry about.

Dog Ejected from Game, Watch Video to Find Out Why

The Greensboro Grasshoppers use a dog as a bat girl (Babe Ruth) so they decided to try out her younger brother, another black lab, Master Yogi Berra, as ballboy. Except maybe Yogi wasn't quite ready for prime time.

I know I have stated before that the new Poop would have stories several days after anyone else but this is not that case. I saw this story days ago but couldn't find the appropriate pictures to go with it, so I held off hoping it would come on youtube. It finally did, but with a weird freeze for the first 40 seconds. Please, please, please, if you love me, scan through the first 40 seconds then watch this video.




After this incident the umpire ejected Master Yogi Berra. He didn't quietly say to his handler "maybe we shouldn't use the dog anymore." He gave him the full finger point heavo-ho. Hysterical. A dog pooping behind second base. They don't eject David Wright everytime he takes a crap on home plate with runners on base.

We Need These Guys To Spice Up the Swine Flu Stories on the News

I'm getting bored with these swine flu stories. So I think every newscast should hire a mariachi band.
One of my favorite commercials ever.

Bud : Mariachi Band - kewego
A man offered some Budweisers to a Mariachi band once in a restaurant. But, unfortunately, he didn’t know how greatfull they would be!

Song of the Week

"I Got a Man" - Positive K
A throwback to a simpler time in rap music where every song was either about great a social ill, or about nothing at all, like this one.
It's actually not as meaningless as the 1000th song from Jay-Z about how rich he is.
It's just a thoughtless little ditty about a guy trying to get the girl.
And it has so many great lines including "are you a chef, cuz you keep feeding my soup?"
But why did they get an old Jewish woman to voice the female lines? "I already told you, I got a man, bubbeleh."

The Secret Life of Eric Devendorf

One reason given for Eric Devendorf's ill-advised early departure from Syracuse is his need to support his family.
Devendorf was recently named the Most Hated Man in College Basketball, Devendorf is somebody's son, somebody's boyfriend and most importantly, somebody's daddy.
Madelyn was born on my 30th birthday, June 20, 2008.






Story suggested by Billy

Kyle Maynard's MMA Debut

Kyle Maynard, the guy with no hands and no feet who gained fame for dominating high school wrestiling, made his MMA debut.
The fight turned out exactly as I predicted. Maynard was unable to do anything. And his opponent fought cautiously and won by unanimous decision 30-27.
Kyle was considered a downed opponent so he couldn't be kicked or kneed in the head. His opponent had difficulty reaching him for strikes and Kyle's arms aren't really long enough to deliver strikes from the stand-up, as it were.
Kyle's strategy was to take down his opponent and use his superior upper body strength (supposedly he has the upper body strength of a 200 lb man, but he fights at 135) to take down his opponent, control him on the ground and deliver strikes.
But his opponent never allowed it to happen and the result was a boring embarrassing fight.

It's hard to tell Kyle that he can't do something, since he's spent his life doing things people said he couldn't do. And if Kyle had listened to those people years ago he never would have gotten to where he is today. But now that he has experimented with MMA I hope Kyle gives up this dream and pursues others instead of becoming a laughingstock and a freak show.

The Curious Case of Chien-Ming Wang

The first three starts of Chien-Ming Wang's 2009 season are so historically bad that I can't recall ever seeing a pitcher with similar numbers, certainly not one with his previous record of accomplishments. Here's the pitching lines:

4/8 vs. Baltimore: 3 2/3 innings 9 hits 7 runs 1 home run 3 walks 0 strikeouts
4/13 vs. Tampa Bay: 1 inning 6 hits 8 runs 0 home runs 3 walks 1 strikeout
4/18 vs. Cleveland: 1 1/3 innings 8 hits 8 runs 1 home run 0 walks 1 strikeout

On aggregate Wang has an ERA of 34.50, he's allowing nearly 5 base runners per inning and opponents are hitting .622 against him. If in his next appearance he begins baseball's longest-ever scoreless innings streak, his ERA will still be above 3.00.

There are three reasons this could be happening to Wang with this suddenness.

1) It's physical. So far he says he is fine and doctors are checking him to see if he reinjured the foot that caused him to miss much of last season.

2) It's mental. After basically blowing the 2007 playoffs, then missing half of 2008, and now this, maybe Wang's brain is getting in the way of his body.

3) His luck ran out. Sabremetricians put a premium on strikeout pitchers based on the theory that against all pitchers (good and bad) the batting average on balls put in play will be pretty even. If the hitter makes contact, the ball is equally as likely to be a hit or an out for any pitcher. Therefore the best pitchers strikeout a lot of guys and the other guys, it will catch up to eventually. Now there are guys like Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine who successfully kept their BABIPs (batting average on balls put in play) below league average for their entire careers. By the way, home run rate matters here as well, Wang has always had a great one due to this sinker. This rough start may indicate that Wang isn't the next Glavine or Maddux, and all the balls hit against him that went for outs in prior years, are finally starting to fall in -- all at once.

Racist Newscast

A TV station in Rochester does a story about Popeye's running out of chicken on the very day it advertised an 8-piece bucket, normally $7.29, for $4.99.
To confirm an age-old stereotype that black people like fried chicken, the racist news team at WHAM interviews nearly a dozen people for the story, I'll let you count the white people.



Btw, I still love Popeye's and I'm happy to pay full price for the 8-piece whenever Mrs. Poop is out of town.

Please don't tell the Conciergette that I eat an 8-piece by myself.