That Would Get Me To Go To the Game

Troy University, in an effort to increase student attendance at its Tuesday night national TV game on ESPN used an interesting promotional campaign.

"Bear Woods is going to punch every student in the face who doesn't show up at the game," quarterback Levi Brown said.

Ok, so that's not an official school campaign, but it would still scare me enough.

Baseball Playoff Predictions

Division Series:
Twins over Yankees in 4
Red Sox over Angels in 5

Phillies over Rockies in 4
Cardinals over Dodgers in 3

League Championship Series:
Red Sox over Twins in 5
Cardinals over Phillies in 7

World Series:
Cardinals over Red Sox in 6

Post your picks in the comments section

I Hate Sports Cliches

One of the worst parts of being a sports fan in this day and age is having to listen to and read hundreds of writers and formers players spouting the same hackneyed cliches.

After that classic 1-game playoff between the Twins and the Tigers, everyone and their mother is saying the real winner of this game is the Yankees.

It's true the Twins are facing a difficult travel schedule and they won't be able to set their pitching rotation. And it's also true they will probably lose to the Yankees.

But if they do it will be because the Yankees are a better team.

If they don't, expect the same idiot analysts to say the Twins were the "hot" team and came in with all the "momentum" and having to wait two days actually hurt the Yankees.

Song of the Week

"La La La" - LMFAO
Featuring Jonna from "The Real World: Cancun"

Why is Master Bates Smiling?

Sports Illustrated's Jon Heyman reports the Mets will hire Wally Backman.

"The team now appears willing to give scrappy fan favorite Wally Backman a chance to return to baseball in a minor-league job. Backman has technically not been given a new position yet, but he's been told they'd like to hire him and have invited him for an interview that is expected to be a formality.

The Mets apparently will resist any temptation to immediately add Backman to the major-league staff.

The Mets fired a few minor-league coaches recently and have openings to fill there as well."



But that's not all the good news for MB.

The Marlins have had conversations with Bobby Valentine about a possible position within the organization.
Current manager Fredi Gonzalez is expected to be fired.

Weekly Picks

Another good week until the Steelers choked away my perfect 6. Unfortunately losing 2 of 3 best bets makes my score look worse than it should be. I think I have a surefire best bet this week though.

baltimore +2 NEW ENGLAND
Something about this spread strikes me as off, which normally worries me. I know the Patriots somewhat shook off two bad weeks with a big win over the Falcons, but the Ravens have looked like the best team in the NFL so far. And they're getting points.

CHICAGO -10 detroit
I know the Lions won last week and they are on a roll. I know the Bears have gotten pretty lucky and could easily be 0-3. I know the spread is pretty big. But I still like Jay Cutler and I think the Lions chances of winning two in a row after a 19-game losing streak are pretty slim. And if I don't think the underdog can win, I will usually pick the favorite.

new york jets +7 NEW ORLEANS
I was looking at this game and couldn't quite decide who I thought was going to win. Sure the Saints look awesome, but I think the Jets look pretty good too. The Saints pretty clearly have the best offense in the NFL. But the Jets have a formidable defense, and good defense beats good offense. No, Mark Sanchez won't be able to keep up with Drew Brees but he won't have to. Getting a touchdown, I have to take the Jets.

cincinnati -6 CLEVELAND
Since they got their heart ripped out in week 1 the Bengals have rebounded nicely. The Browns are horrible and could be getting worse thanks to their horrible control freak coach whom they all hate.

BEST BET
new york giants -8 1/2 KANSAS CITY
I'm shocked this game is not a double digit spread. I see this game being a very similar game to the one the Giants played last week. A dominating performance on both sides of the ball.


Last week: 4-1 (3 points)
Season: 8-7 (7 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (1-2)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (2-1)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (0-0)
Road Favorites: 3-1 (3-3)
Road Underdogs: 3-0 (3-3)

Turn-Ons: Walks in the Woods, Musicians (especially Saxophonists) and Sledgehammers

The first thing everyone says when they see the Infinity 2008 video is "who is that girl?"
She's a German model named Janina Wissler, and yes, she is smoking hot.
In fact, I think I could just post pictures of her face and everyone would say she's one of the hottest girls ever.
But that wouldn't be any fun.

Chase is a Model Student

For most kids the first days of preschool can be rough, not knowing if your parents are ever coming back.
But for Chase, he has adjusted to preschool with no problem, even though he'd basically spent the first two years of his life with me or Mrs. Poop constantly around.
Every time we go pick him up (best part of my crazy work schedule is being around at 11am to pick him up) the teachers offer other parents detailed explanations of their children's behavior: "he started to cry at 10:30 because he missed mommy."
But for Chase, all we get is "he was fine."
When I pressed the teacher for more information she basically said he never cries, never does anything wrong and he loves marching.

What Do You Give Me For? Stedman Graham and Eric Holder

What do you give me for Attorney General Eric Holder and Oprah's beard Stedman Graham?

Song of the Week

"The Times They are A-Changin" - Bob Dylan
For a song written 45 years it pretty well describes what's going on in the country right now.
In fact, the same song could be written today, about today, but with a much different music video.

"Come Senators, Congressman
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
For the battle outside ragin
Will soon shake your windows and rattle your walls
The times they are a-changin"

Where Were the Sign Police On This One?

After recent events you knew horny college kids would get creative with their signs on College Gameday. Even though ESPN does have a sign police, this type of thing is impossible to stop.



"Hey Erin, I eat pussy...well."
Kind of crude if you ask me. I still prefer the classic and clever Lee Corso sign.

Story suggested by Master Bates

Weekly Picks

A nice bounceback week thanks to some small underdogs that should have been favorites. Now I need another 5 or 6 points this week to erase the horror of Week 1. There are a lot of games I like which is usually a bad sign.

NEW YORK JETS -2 1/2 tennessee
Coming into the season there were probably higher expectations for the Titans than for the Jets. But it's possible last season the Titans overachieved thanks to Kerry Collins and turnovers. Two things that might not have carried over to this year. So I am going with my old theory, "Believe what you see, not what you believe."

green bay -6 1/2 ST. LOUIS
Here's a game I like. The Packers are better than they showed last week, I don't think they will lose to two bad teams in a row. I don't think the Rams are all that good either but they did almost win last week.

chicago -2 SEATTLE
I like the Bears, what can I say? They got a huge win against Pittsburgh and I think Cutler got his worst behind him with that horror show in week 1. I'm not impressed with the Seahawks at all, and think the Bears defense can shut them down.

denver -1 1/2 OAKLAND
I'm changing my mind on Denver really quickly this season. But I think JaMarcus Russell fuckin sucks. Although it is dangerous to see a guy play so poorly, then expect him to do the very same the following week.

BEST BET
pittsburgh -3 1/2 CINCINNATI
The Steelers are not losing two games in a row this early in the season. The fact that the spread is 3 1/2 scares me a little because so many games end up 3 point differences. But I trust the Steelers to totally clamp down on defense and win this game big.

Last week: 4-1 (5 points)
Season: 4-6 (4 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (1-1)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (1-1)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (0-0)
Road Favorites: 0-1 (0-2)
Road Underdogs: 3-0 (3-3)

A Fitting Yom Kippur Story

Proud of his religion and worried about its future, Chicago dentist Max Feinberg wrote a will with an unusual catch: His grandchildren wouldn't inherit a penny if they married someone who wasn't Jewish.

His decision led to family feuds, lawsuits, counterclaims and, on Thursday, a unanimous ruling by the Illinois Supreme Court that Feinberg and his wife were within their rights to disinherit any grandchildren who married outside the faith.

"Equal protection does not require that all children be treated equally ... and the free exercise clause does not require a grandparent to treat grandchildren who reject his religious beliefs and customs in the same manner as he treats those who conform to his traditions," Justice Rita Garman wrote in a ruling that overturned decisions by two lower courts.

One disinherited granddaughter had argued it was improper for a will to set up conditions that promote religious intolerance in people's marriage decisions or even encouraged couples to divorce.

"It is at war with society's interest in eliminating bigotry and prejudice, and conflicts with modern moral standards of religious tolerance," said Michele Feinberg Trull's brief to the Supreme Court.

The court's ruling was based partly on technicalities in the way this estate was arranged. The court did not provide a broad ruling on whether similar religious restrictions would be valid under other circumstances.

The dispute has its roots in 1986, when Feinberg died.

He put his money into trusts for his family, but his will declared that any grandchild marrying someone who wasn't Jewish, or who didn't convert to Judaism, "shall be deemed to be deceased" and would inherit nothing.

Feinberg's will gave control of the trusts to his wife, Erla. When she died and the grandchildren were to inherit $250,000 each, she followed her husband's wishes and imposed the same restrictions.

By that time, four of the five grandchildren had married gentiles.

Erla Feinberg's death triggered a series of disputes. Trull accused her father and aunt, the Feinbergs' children, of mishandling the family money. In return, they tried to get the lawsuit dismissed on the grounds that the daughter was "dead" for purposes of inheritance and had no standing to sue.

So the courts had to decide whether it's acceptable for a will to base inheritance on someone's marriage and religion.

Feinberg's son, Michael, argues there's nothing wrong with it.

Michael, who stands to inherit more money if his children are cut out, argued in court documents that the will simply rewards the grandchildren who help preserve the "heritage and faith" his father loved.

His position won the support of several Jewish organizations, including Agudath Israel of America, a national Orthodox group.

David Zwiebel, executive vice president of Agudath Israel, said he didn't know of any other court rulings that directly address whether a will can tie inheritance to religious choices. Such restrictions aren't unusual, he said, because some people want to discourage intermarriage that is contributing to the declining number of Jews in America.

"There is a strong sense within certain segments of the Jewish community that in order to preserve the religious identity, it's important to promote marriage within the faith," Zwiebel said.

Michael Feinberg, who is the co-executor of his parent's estate, was pleased by the ruling but had no other comment, his attorney said. Trull's attorney said she was disappointed but looking forward to court action on her other legal claims.

The two sides of the family can't even agree on what to call the part of the will causing all the trouble. The granddaughter calls it "the Jewish clause." Her parents have adopted the phrase "religious preference clause."

The state Supreme Court based much of its decision on the fact that Erla Feinberg's will awarded set amounts of money based on the marriage status of the grandchildren at the time of her 2003 death -- either they qualified for the money or they didn't. The court said that meant the will didn't try to control what the grandchildren would do in the future and didn't offer any incentive for a particular couple to divorce.

A will that provided money year after year if the heir did not marry a gentile might not pass muster, the court suggested. That's because it would amount to a dead man trying to control actions for years to come and would encourage divorces so that people could claim an inheritance.

I honestly don't see what the legal dispute is here. To my knowledge, there isn't nor should there be a law restricting to whom and for what reason heirs are chosen.
This reminds me of how people often confuse the free speech debate. Free speech and equal protection are granted by the government. If this old coot wants to treat his grandchildren unequally, that should be his right.
You know how many root canals this poor schmoe had to do to earn this money.
He doesn't want some schicza with a cute nose marrying his grandson and using his hard-earned money to buy Christmas presents.
I can't believe the case even came this far.

Should TON Do Some Work?

I hate change.
But there comes a time when it becomes necessary to improve.
For instance, the blue and orange background you see now has been my layout since I started this blog nearly four years ago.
But as things change (this blog predates youtube), this layout may have outlived its usefulness.
Is it time for TON to choose a new layout that doesn't cut off widescreen youtube vidoes?

Paulo's Book Club: "Fooled by Randomness"

A funny thing about life, two people can look at the same thing, and see it completely differently. And that's why I didn't like "Fooled by Randomness" by Nassem Nicholas Taleb.

The book explores the "Hidden Role of Chance in Life and the Markets," something I often think about.

But here's the difference, I look at the strange things that happen and see the Universe, Taleb sees randomness.



The book is interesting because Taleb provides a great many thought experiments to prove his points but his thinking a little rigid, and he overuses ancient philosophers.

One of Taleb's main point is about the "black swan." He theorizes, correctly, that seeing a million white swans, doesn't prove that all swans are white, but seeing only one black swan, disproves that theory.

The Black Swan (another of Taleb's books) is the name for an unexpected event. He used the black swan theory to say that basically none of the traders on Wall Street have any idea what they are doing. They just do what everyone else is doing, and through pure luck, avoid the black swan. But when the black swan comes, the explode, and explode spectactularly, a theory that seems to fit and even the foretell the current economic crisis.

Although I disagree with Taleb's cynicism, many of you who think my Universe talk is crazy might enjoy his take. Hell, he may even be right. But my way is much more fun.

How Does Tim Tebow Resist This Temptation?

Under normal circumstances it would be good to be Tim Tebow. The guy is not only a ladies' man, but he's also a man's man. He's tough as nails, has two national titles and a Heisman Trophy and one of the greatest speeches of all time.

Only problem is, this guy claims to be a virgin. He comes from an ultra-conservative Christian family, and says yes in fact he is a virgin.
I can't believe a college kid could resist when girls who look like this are wearing t-shirts that say "fuck me, Tim Tebow."



I mean, could he really walk away from a girl with tits like these without fucking her? I don't think so.

You Know What's Coming

"Three separate missions examining the moon have found clear evidence of water there, apparently concentrated at the poles and possibly formed by the solar wind."

But did they find any water on Uranus?

Did I Say Gang-Raped? Sorry, I Meant Gang-Banged

An 18-year old Hofstra student reported to police that she had been gang raped by five dudes in a bathroom stall at one of the school's dorms.
One Hofstra student had signed in his four friends, and police immediately arrested all five.
One of the men, thinking defensively or trying to get proof of this amazing story, recorded part of the incident on his cell phone.
This immediately refuted the girl's claims that she had been tied up and raped by five guys.
Turns out she was just a drunk slut who willingly banged five guys (though a few of them claim they never did her).
She claims she made up the story when her boyfriend (maybe now her ex-boyfriend) asked what she had been doing and why she was walking funny.
But the worst part of this whole incident is this photograph of the alleged rapists upon their release from prison.

Bob Arum Rips MMA

Great interview with boxing promoter Bob Arum. He says he hates MMA and UFC fans are skinheads.

Nine minutes long but worth it.



"Guys rolling around like homosexuals."

Classic!

Story suggested by TON

Why Bank Robbers Need Weapons

Banks tell their employees that in the event of a robbery to just hand over the money and do what ever the robber says.
Too bad no one told this guy.

Best Moment in Conan History

Seeing Rebecca Romijn on Conan again reminded me of this famous moment, my favorite in Conan's history.

Conan O'Brien et Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Uploaded by garlick75. - Watch more comedy videos and sitcoms.

Song of the Week

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" - Peter, Paul and Mary
Poop on Me used to sing me this song when I was little because it made me cry.

The Concierge's Bachelor Party Location: Denmark

The Denmark tourism bureau makes its pitch to host the Concierge's bachelor party:

Link to the video on HuffPo

This is not a real story, this is a viral marketing campaign from the Denmark tourism bureau. Basically, their pitch is "come sleep with our hot slutty women."

Mr. Met is Only Six-Ten

The world's tallest man, Sultan Kosen, who checks in at 8-foot-1 (and is called TallSultan by his friends) towers over Mr. Met, despite the mascot's giant head.

The Passion and the Pageantry

ESPN's college football crew mocks a passionate fan for his reaction to Clemson's loss to Georgia Tech.
The first part takes place during a commercial.



Looks like Roach and I freshman year.

Poop Move Night

"The Stepfather" looks so awesome. It's a throwback to those great suspense thrillers of the 902 like "Fear" and "Unlawful Entry."



"The old lady across the street. She fell down the stairs and broke her neck."

Weekly Picks

Somebody call FEMA. Last week was a complete disaster getting every game wrong, but we have plenty of time to recover. Now you know why I don't pick underdogs.

new england -3 1/2 NEW YORK JETS
I think last week's poor performance by the Patriots may have some people thinking they are done. On the contrary I think it shows they still have what it takes to win. As for the Jets, they played great, have a good defense, but a rookie QB against Belichick could be trouble.

baltimore +3 SAN DIEGO
I'm sick of picking the Chargers, I never know when they are going to come to play. They might have some trouble against the Chargers defense.

arizona +1 JACKSONVILLE
I know Super Bowl losers tend to have disappointing follow-up seasons but I think the Cardinals will win this game.

new york giants +3 DALLAS
Tampa Bay ran all over Dallas but lost the game on a few big plays. The Giants can dominate them on the ground and avoid those big plays and win this game spoiling the debut of the Cowboys' new stadium.

BEST BET
MINNESOTA -9 1/2 detroit
I'm making this pick because of Adrian Peterson not, Brett Favre. Also, I'm getting the feeling Matt Stafford maybe isn't quite ready to carry a team this bad.

Last week: 0-5 (-1 point)
Season: 0-5 (-1 point)
Best Bets: 0-1 (0-1)
Home Favorites: 0-1 (0-1)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (0-0)
Road Favorites: 0-1 (0-1)
Road Underdogs: 0-3 (0-3)

L'Shana Tovah

5769 started off badly for me, but ended with a flourish.
I hope 5770 is a better year for me and for all who read this.

Let's Hope the Redskins Defense Does Better Than They Did Against the Giants

In an ad that appeared in The Washington Post, Main Line Animal Rescue, a D.C.-based company, pledged to donate five bags of dog food to a D.C. animal shelter for every time the Redskins tackle Vick when the Eagles visit Washington on Oct. 26.

"I think we're all getting tired of the 'Does he deserve a second chance?' kind of thing," Bill Smith, founder and CEO of the shelter, told the Philadelphia Inquirer. "I think we just need to raise public awareness, and this is a good way to do that. It may be funny. It may be clever. It may not."

Smith, who told the Inquirer he is skeptical of Vick's newfound concern for pets, said that "if he had any sense of humor at all" and wanted to help dogs, he could stand on the field before the Oct. 26 game and let players tackle him.

The ad also encouraged people to volunteer at a shelter on game day.

Ernie Anastos Encourages Beastiality

Fox 5 anchor and New York legend TV news legend tries to pay homage to an old Perdue commercial ("it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken") but he gets a little carried away:



At first I thought he said plucking that chicken, but the face of his co-anchor Dari Alexander is unmistakable.



I actually think the time a guest appeared to be giving Ernie a blow job is even funnier.

The New York Post Overdoes it on the Jewish Puns

In an article (which seems completely contrived) about a rabbi training other rabbis to protect their congregations against terror attacks on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, the New York Post's bad-writing team was working overtime.

The cover calls them the "Chosen Guns."
Other Jewish jokes include "mazel-tough guys," "temple of boom," and last but not least "go ahead, make my High Holiday."

Wedding Cakes

While nothing could top the dessert bar at the Focks wedding, here are some interesting wedding cakes I found, and supposedly all of them are real, not photoshopped.

Disaster cake:


Dessert cake, this looks so awesome. I wish I had seen it four years ago:


Drunk bride and groom cake:


The bride fell down a hole cake:


The Beatles Yellow Submarine Cake:

I Agree with Pres. Obama

A whole shitstorm erupted over these remarks because someone from ABC tweeted them out under Terry Moran's name when obviously the President meant the jackass comment to be off the record.
But the President should have some balls to come out and say "yeah I meant it, Kanye West is a jackass."
I can't imagine anyone could disagree.

Defending the Indefensible

It seems the whole world is up in arms over a somewhat tasteless column written by Mark Whicker of the Orange County Register.
As so often happens commentators try to outdo one another with their expressions of outrage, but it should be noted it was actual a smart, well-written, interesting column.

The premise was "let's catch up Jaycee Dugard on everything she missed in the sports world during her 18 years in captivity."

There were some smart lines in there like "Barry Bonds, wound up breaking Henry Aaron's home run record. How did such a skinny guy manage that? We'll deal with that later."

And "Michael Jordan did indeed win the big one, and five others."
Remember people thought Jordan wasn't a winner.

The only problem is Whicker approached it from the wrong direction. Instead of using her as a jumping-off point then saying "look how much the sporting world changed in the past 18 years" he seemed to be making fun of her plight.

Especially by ending on a new home run catchphrase, "congratulations, you left the yard."

What Do You Say?

If you were a boxer or MMA fighter which adjectives would you want the PA announcer to use before announcing your weight.

For instance, "fighting out of the blue corner, weighing in at a (insert answer here) 185 pounds..."

Assemblyman Spanky Duvall

California State Assemblyman Mike Duvall (he put the ass in assemblyman) learned about the dangers of an open mic.

Not realizing all the microphones in the room are on when the assembly is in session, Duvall was heard bragging about banging his mistress.

"She wears little eye-patch underwear," said Duvall, who is married with two children. "So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy!"

What the fuck is eyepatch underwear? And why doesn't this bitch clean herself up after intercourse. She walks around all day with this guy's jizz sliding down her leg?

He also bragged to his friend "'So, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, 'I know you like spanking me.' I said, 'Yeah! Because you're such a bad girl!'"

The woman is 36 year old Heidi DeJong Barsuglia. Duvall is 54. Barsuglia is a lobbyist, and as I mentioned, Duvall is a legislator.




The worst part of it is, Duvall was cheating on his mistress with another mistress.

In the same conversation he spoke of another woman, "Oh, yeah, Sher, Shar, Shar. Oh, she is hot! I talked to her yesterday. She goes, 'So are we finished?' I go, 'No, we're not finished.' I go, 'You know about the other one [Barsuglia], but she doesn't know about you!'"

What Do You Give Me For? May-May and Adrienne Bailon

This is the thinking person's WDYGMF.
Unlike the lowest common denominator WDYGMFs favored by TallSkott (who for years said every person with glasses looked like BC), you need to look at the big picture to get this one.
Every time Adrienne Bailon, Cheetah Girl and former girlfriend of Rob Kardashian comes on my TV, I shout "non-Asian May-May."
Being of different ethnicities the resemblance is less noticeable but if a keen observer like myself looks carefully you can see the shape of the face is the same, the features are the same, especially the chin and cheekbones.
Btw, this is how advanced facial recognition software works, it studied the shape of the face and the distance between certain features.
And if this poll doesn't go my way, I'll be buying some facial recognition software to prove it.

I Will Kill Chase if He Ever Does This

This is why I am not taking Chase to a game until he is 5. Toddlers are too young to appreciate it.

This guy makes a great catch, wants to share the glory with his little girl and she throws the ball back.
What a disgrace!
But I guess it's to be expected from Phillies fans.

Nobody Puts Baby in the Coroner

The world is still mourning the loss of Patrick Swayze who in his varied career played so many diverse characters he was bound to have done something you like.
That was the premise for this poll I posted last year when news of Swayze's cancer went public.

And thanks to "I Don't Care" by No Question, (a favorite of Bill and me) Swayze is forever immortalized in song.

Song of the Week

"Infinity 2008" - Guru Josh Project
Do you like hot chicks? Do you like sledgehammers? Do you like hot girls smashing stuff with sledgehammers? Yes, these are rhetorical questions.

They Better Recognize

During the Illinois - Missouri game ESPN announcers Ron Franklin and Ed Cunningham showed a t-shirt worn by the sister of Missouri linebacker Sean Weatherspoon. The "hit list" included some of the more prominent quarterbacks on the Tigers schedule:



Maybe after two great games the announcers will start to recognize Zac Lee, starting quarterback at the University of Nebraska. Maybe they could start by studying the QB rating leaders. There's Zac's name, 7th out of 117.
For the record, Daryll Clark is 22, Colt McCoy is 29, Zac Robinson is 60 and Greg Paulus is 90.

I know Nebraska hasn't played anyone yet, but neither have most teams. Lee gets a chance to prove himself Saturday in the hostile environment in Blacksburg, Virginia against a tough Virginia Tech defense.

Anybody's Better Than Paula

I'm not exactly a huge fan of Ellen DeGeneres, but as the headline says, anybody's better than Paula.
Ellen will probably be similar to Paula in her unending cheerleading and positivity for the contestants, but I hope she will be different in several major ways:
1) Be able to say the word no. Even to the very worst auditions, the ones that weren't even serious, Paula couldn't formulate the word saying instead "I'm gonna have to pass.
2) Not be on drugs. Paula's antidepressants really screwed with her brain chemistry at times, turning her into a weeping mess.
3) Not take Simon's shit. I always hated when he would blow in Paula's ear or try to get her to use a random word like "maelstrom" in her comments.

I really don't care that Ellen has no musical background per se. Neither does Simon. And I don't think people really enjoyed or watched the show just to see Paula make a fool of herself.

I think Ellen will be a pretty good judge, and eventually force Kara out as well.

Sasha Obama Hiding in the Oval Office

Cute picture of Sasha Obama hiding behind the couch in the Oval Office, sneaking up on President Obama.



It calls to mind this famous picture of JFK Jr.

Amazing Race

Two years ago I fell in love with Tiffany Michelle during her coverage of the World Series of Poker for pokernews.com.
Then I sent her an e-mail and she actually wrote me back.

And just a year later despite some early bad luck she had one of the best runs a female ever had at the Main Event.

Now Tiffany is hoping to set another standard for female achievement. Tiffany and her best friend Maria Ho (last woman standing in the 2007 Main Event) are hoping to be the first female team to win the Amazing Race.

When she sent out a cryptic tweet saying she would miss the Main Event for something very important, I didn't realize it would be something this cool.



Btw, Jems hates her because she called the clock on someone and gave her tablemates a lot of attitude, but that type of feistiness usually plays well in these high-intensity reality shows.

Charo Gives Jerry Lewis a Lapdance

Despite the rough economy, Jerry Lewis was able to raise $60m in this year's MDA Telethon.
And while he did avoid fag jokes, he did have some other awkward moments:

Funny or Douchey?

We know SCZA loves Twitter, and we for damn sure know he loves attention, but I think he may have gone too far. He tweeted to Jets wide receiver Chansi Stuckey, telling Stuckey he had just drafted him in fantasy. When I invented the word "douchey" that's what I had in mind.

What I Should Have Said Theater

This is what Ohio State Buckeyes quarterback Terrelle Pryor should have about the message he was trying to send by writing "Vick" on the eye black strip he wore during OSU's game against Navy:

"I just wanted to show support for the guy. Some people are saying he should never be allowed to play football again but I believe in second chances. He committed horrible acts but he paid his debt to society. He served nearly two years in prison. I'm glad he's getting a second chance and I support him in it and I hope he doesn't squander it."



You'd have to admit that's definitely better than what he did say:
"I know what happened with him and, I mean, I don't want to talk much. I'm just going to be very short and sweet with it. But I just feel he made his mistake and I think he just needs more support. Not everybody is the perfect person in the world. Everyone does -- kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me. I just feel that people need to give him a chance. I always looked up to Mike Vick and I always will, because I still think he is one of the best quarterbacks. I love Mike Vick."

Weekly Picks

A new season and a new start. First weeks are always difficult though because you don't always have a good idea of who is good and who isn't yet.

san diego -9 OAKLAND
I think the Raiders are going to be putrid again this year. And I picked the Chargers to win the Super Bowl. Because I think the Chargers can earn home field by beating up on their weak divisional foes. They always kill the Raiders. And if the Chargers do underachieve, as so often happens, they often wait until late in the season to disapppoint.

detroit +13 NEW ORLEANS
I think the hype surrounding the Lions winless season has helped push this spread up by about four points over where it should be. I would still take New Orleans in a knockout pool this week but this spread is large and the Saints defense isn't good enough to keep the Lions from putting up between 10 and 17 points. I'm expecting 24-13 here. But I am going against my rule not to pick an underdog unless you think they can win.

st. louis +8 SEATTLE
I really don't see any evidence the Seahawks are going to be any good this year. And the Rams will either be improved, or at least decent until they start to get injured again.

chicago +3 1/2 GREEN BAY
I refuse to underestimate the importance of Jay Cutler. I think he is going to have a huge psychological impact on this team, and on the field as well, making the receivers better and turning Matt Forte into a top back. I do like the Packers and think Aaron Rodgers is going to have a great season but that extra half point makes this game look juicy.

BEST BET
CINCINNATI -4 denver
I'm making this pick after watching the final episode of "Hard Knocks" so I might be a little biased. But this is more a selection against Denver, than in favor of Cincinnati. I think the Kyle Orton/Jay Cutler trade has been incorrectly analyzed in the same way people overstate the importance of wins for a baseball pitcher. You really think Jorge De La Rosa is having a better year than Zack Greinke? Throw in the fact that Josh McDaniels has completely botched his coaching chance and probably alienated his team, I see Denver having an historically bad season. Plus, Chad Ochocinco has a surprise for us.

Things I Thought Today

Caster Semanya should not be allowed to run against women. She is a hermaphrodite but she has no ovaries or uterus. She has internal male organs which produce three times the amount of testosterone as an average female. She shouldn't be stripped of the medals she already won since she didn't cheat. But she should not be allowed to compete on equal footing with women.

*****

I met George Pataki. After years of saying "'ello Gubna" I finally got to say it to an actual Governor.

*****

I'm having a hard time determining which person put more premeditation in their career boosting moment, Erin Andrews or Rep. Joe Wilson. I think the answer is Erin Andrews because hers involved great planning. But Wilson doesn't look as good naked.

I know from experience dude.

*****

Megan Fox is hosting the season premiere of "Saturday Night Live" on September 26th. I might check that one out.

*****

On the World Series of Poker Jason Alexander said his favorite line from all 9 seasons of Seinfeld is: "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?" That line of course occurred when George banged the cleaning lady on his desk and was confronted by his boss. George followed up with "Because if anyone had told me when I started here that kind of thing was frowned upon..."

9/11 Thoughts

I will always remember where I was that day and even 8 years later the anger and sadness I felt that day is just as vivid in my mind and in my heart.
And with the recent distressing news that a 9/11 denier was in our government, it's even more important to make sure we never forget what really happened that day.

We Survived

The first day of school went very well. We dropped Chase off and he immediately ran to the back of the classroom and played with a toy. We put his stuff down and left quietly without fanfare. Mrs. Poop and I got a little sad, but I think it's absolutely normal.
The first month is only 90 minutes so it seemed as soon as we got home we had to go back and get him. Evidently, one mother was more impatient than we were because when we got back one kid was already gone, and several others were in the process of leaving.
Chase was in his chair eating raisins and crying. But the teacher said he didn't cry the whole time, not until the first mom came.
That's when he probably realized that we were gone.
But as soon as he saw us he lit up, said "all done raisins" and that's when I screwed up.
I picked up to give him a hug and he said "wash dishes."
So I jokingly said to Mrs. Poop, "they made him wash the dishes."
Well the teacher (Miss Joanne, there's also a Miss Rosanne, but Chase calls them both Miss Josanne) heard me and said "we don't make him do anything. We do have a play sink and he was probaly playing with that."
Then I think she realized I was joking because she said "but if he likes doing dishes he can come to my house."
But she also told us sometimes the second and third days at school are worse because the kids are more aware of what's happening.
So we'll see how that goes.

I Think I Would Have to Agree

"Albert Pooh Holes is really, really good."
-Adam Wainwright, St. Louis Cardinals pitcher

Ok, so I took that a little out of context for humor. Here's Wainwright's full quote: "I don't know how anybody could ever be better than he is. Ever. No offense to Henry Aaron and all those guys. I'm sorry, Hank. But Albert Pujols is really, really good."

The Fantastic Pooh Holes is having a transcendant season, challenging for the Triple Crown. Excluding known steroid users his 2009 numbers may go down as the best year in the past 50 seasons.

The Genius of Chase

Of all the wonderful parts of being a parent, the best part unquestionably is watching your child learn and grow.
I was cleaning out my drawer and threw an old pair of shorts from across the room, right into the garbage pail.
Chase, knowing clothes don't belong in the garbage, said "oopsies, oopsies, oopsies" then picked them up and put them in laundry hamper.

What Do You Say?

What do you say when something bothers you?

Chase is Going to Preschool

I can't believe how time flies. He is already two years old, and now he's going to school. Tomorrow is Chase's first day of preschool. It will be pretty much the first time we have ever left him with anyone besides his grandparents.

2009 NFL Season Predictions

AFC East: New England
AFC North: Baltimore
AFC South: Tennessee
AFC West: San Diego
Wild cards: Pittsburgh, Buffalo
Conference Championship: San Diego over New England

NFC East: New York
NFC North: Chicago
NFC South: New Orleans
NFC West: Arizona
Wild cards: Green Bay, Dallas
Conference Championship: Chicago over New York

Super Bowl: San Diego over Chicago

NFL MVP: Jay Cutler
Offensive Player of the Year: Philip Rivers
Defensive Player of the Year: Shawne Merriman
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mark Sanchez
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Brian Orakpo
Coach of the Year: Dick Jauron
Comeback Player of the Year: Tom Brady

Last year, only four of us played (and Bill didn't even do the individual awards) and none of us got a Super Bowl team right, and only one of us got any of the individual awards correct (Master Bates: Jerrod Mayo).

Hopefully this year we'll improve in participation and in performance.

Just copy my picks into the comments section then erase my choices and type your own.

Song of the Week

"The Wonder of You" - Elvis Presley

Pretty much the entire song describes the way I feel about Mrs. Poop but especially
"I guess I'll never know
the reason why
you love me as you do
that's the wonder
the wonder of you."



Even more impressive is the use of correct grammar. Most people would say you love me like you do. But that's wrong, "as" is correct. This song is a throwback to an era before the Rolling Stones ruined grammar in music with "I can't get no satisfaction."

Focks Wedding

Matt and Julie looked cute enough to be the bride and groom on top of the wedding cake -- and short enough too. Badum chhh, thanks Juice.



The Focks affair was a delightful event at the Bethpage State Park, right near the famed Bethpage black course which occassionally hosts golf's US Open.

The grounds were so nice they elected an outdoor ceremony -- in the middle of August. Being the sweaty Jew that I am, I was schvitzing before the bride even made her way down the aisle. In retrospect it might have been our fault for choosing to sit on the empty side rather than the crowded side, which was crowded because it was in the shade.

I survived the ceremony, which was beautiful by the way and made it to the cocktail hour, thankfully. I have heard that the food was delicious, but I wouldn't know because I spent all my time at the mashed potatoes station. This is something I was praying would be at another wedding since I didn't really get to enjoy it at my own.

This would be just the beginning of the delicious food I would enjoy, but more on that later.

The fireworks really started when somehow Juice convinced Mrs. Poop to do a shot of Patron with him. Feeling left out the Juicette and I felt we had to one up them, so we did a shot -- and had sex.



Later Juice tried to order a huge round of Patron shots for all assembled until a woman intercepted a shot intended for her daughter, chastising Juice with a "she's only 16."



Later that same girl was telling Amber and I that her cell phone had been taken away because she went over her minutes and sent too many texts. Sounds like cute, very typical teenage girl behavior. Little did we know.




One of my favorite parts of a Jewish wedding is of course the Hora. Over the years TallSkott and I have become very good at orchestrating the lifting of the bride, groom and immediate family members in the chair. This time we were joined by TON and Juice making a very powerful quartet. We probably could have lifted Brock Lesnar, which is good because it seemed like just about everyone in the place got a ride.



One of the people we lifted -- I think (please forgive any inaccuraccies or omissions in this post, my memory is faulty and my notes were incomplete) was the mother of the groom [corrected: ok, we didn't lift her, the following is accurate anyway]. She was an occassional substitute teacher when I was in elementary school and she still carries those scars to this day. She confronted me about my behavior those many years ago and then proceeded to inform Mrs. Poop about what a "pain in the ass" I was. When I laughed and tried to convince I had changed and become a good man, she didn't seem convinced. Then I told her I had a son of my own now and would probably be cursed by him turning out just like I did, she said "you can't let him."

After that, I was kind of hot and tired again so I went to the bar for a beer and a shot or two.



Dinner, like the cocktail hour, was delicious. I had the filet mignon, Juice has the duck, which I assumed he liked because he screamed out "I want to fuck this duck" while eating.

After a good deal more dancing and partying and drinking, it was time for dessert. Fresh baked cookies, a sundae bar, and a whole bunch of other shit I don't remember eating or seeing because I was too drunk from the Patron, too full from the ice cream or perhaps both.

It started off with a crazed Amber licking sprinkles out of the palm of her hand and saying "they let you eat as many sprinkles as you want."




I then got my own sundae loaded with just about everything you can think of, M&Ms, gummi bears and who knows what else. I also had several chocolate chip cookies and a lemon sorbet to clean my pallette. I never even made it to the other side of the room.

Despite the great location, the great music and dancing and of course the great food, the best part of the Focks wedding was the great friends. The entire crew was there, so were all the ladies (including Mrs. Reissberg, less than two weeks after delivering Darren) and we all had a great time together.

Thanks to Matt and Julie.

Today is the Day

Poopfest is finally here, today at 4pm.
See you then.
Guess which shirt I'll be wearing.

Get in the Game

I signed up for four different ESPN.com games (college football challenge, college pickem, pigskin pickem and eliminator challenge).

I created groups for all four games, they're all called Paul's Poop and you should join me in them.

The Koos is Going to the Hoosegow

Jerry Koosman, a member of the 1969 World Series champion "Miracle Mets," was sentenced to six months in prison for nonpayment of taxes.

Before being sentenced, Koosman who lives on income from Social Security and occasional appearance fees, apologized.

"Like most people in their sixties, I've made some bad decisions in my life. I shouldn't have listened to those people about the tax returns, but I did, and I take full responsibility," he said in court.

Judge Barbara Crabb of the U.S. District Court handed Koosman a six-month prison sentence and one year of supervised probation, calling his crime "a serious blemish on an otherwise outstanding life."

She told him he would have to work out his debts with U.S. tax authorities.

Koosman pleaded guilty in May to a tax evasion charge for failing to file federal tax returns between 2002 and 2004, defrauding the government out of as much as $80,000.

Koosman said he had researched tax laws and concluded that only federal workers, corporate employees and District of Columbia residents were subject to federal taxes, according to court papers.

I felt sorry for the Koos until I read that last paragraph, he used the Wesley Snipes defense? Dude, everyone has to pay taxes. Show me in the tax code where it says you don't have to pay taxes on income earned at card shows? Just because it's cash these guys seem to think they can get away with it. Insane.

And he was just at the '69 Mets celebration two weeks ago.

This is All I Know

Sharp-tongued radio host Don Imus has signed a multiyear deal with Fox Business Network to simulcast his popular radio program, the network announced today. Imus, who recently ended a similar arrangement with RFD-TV, a rural cable network, will join the FBN lineup Oct. 5.

“I love Fox,” Imus said in a statement. “Roger Ailes is the preeminent genius of American broadcasting. Who wouldn't want to do this?"

The network will air “Imus in the Morning” from 6 to 9 a.m., replacing part of “Fox Business Morning” and “Money for Breakfast.” Anchors Jenna Lee, Connell McShane and Ashley Webster will appear during Imus’ program to report on breaking financial news. Imus also plans to incorporate more business news into his program, which is syndicated by Citadel Media.

“We’re excited to welcome a renowned broadcaster like Don Imus to the Fox Business team,” said Kevin Magee, FBN’s executive vice president. “His 40 years of on-air experience combined with his superb interviewing skills and capitalist sensibilities will be a great addition to our lineup.”

As always, use discretion with your comments.

What Do You Say?

What's your favorite word for loud, animated communication?