All Moms Are The Same

While watching the Olympics with my mom she commented that she found Michael Phelps to be unattractive because of the shape of his mouth. Mrs. Poop's crazy mommy friends are calling him a "butter face" and when you look at him, his teeth are kind of fucked up.

This is not the best picture to illustrate my point, but it'll remind you if you've seen him.



While discussing this issue with some other people I realized that all moms are the same. Whenever they see someone famous with fucked up teeth, a mom will always say "he's got so much money, why doesn't he get his teeth fixed?"



Note: This is not a scientific poll, several moms may be counted twice or even three times if Poop On Me reads this.

Even EZE Didn't Do This

There's a famous story of EZE's termination from Burger King. It involves a customer asking for extra pickles (policy says that means 4, instead of the standard 2) then complaining that wasn't enough. EZE then picked up a handful of pickles and put them on the burger. The customer complained to the manager who documented the incident, counted 24 pickles in total, and fired EZE.
But EZE looks like Employee of the Week compared to this guy.
Timothy Tackett aka Mr. Unst@bl3 is a former Burger King employee after taking a bath in the restaurant's utility sink. The sign said "employees must wash..."

China's Accidental Capitalistic Moment

The cute little girl who sang at the Opening Ceremonies as the Chinese team entered, didn't actually sing. Turns out she was lip synching because the girl who had the good voice, wasn't cute enough to be the face of the Ceremonies.
China said it was in the national interest to put on their best face, so to speak.
And the little girl who wasn't cute enough was happy that her voice was deemed excellent enough to be used in the ceremonies.
So as China relied on the most Communist of principles (the good of the nation) they unwittingly became a lot more like the West then they ever intended.
First off, it became a meritocracy, the best person for the job got the role. Second, they put personal appearance above all else, how very American.

Wilbon's 7th Inning Stretch

PTI host Michael Wilbon singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley Field. He also threw out the first pitch with his jersey tucked in. He said he tucked it in because it was too long. But he still looked kinda douchey.

Wilbon
by bsap11

Another Benefit of Facebook

Facebook has lots of pros and cons.

Pro: Slutty pics of slutty chicks
Con: They're very cautious about friending you, denying access to those slutty pics

Pro: You can see what everyone else is doing
Con: Everyone else can see what you're doing

Pro: Bubbletown
Con: It's addicting

Pro: All the groups you can join and games you can play
Con: The people who constantly send you suggestions of games to play, groups to join and people to friend. I don't want to be friends with that red-headed douchebag.

But the worst part might be that people you haven't seen for years can track you down and get in contact with you. But sometimes those people have something really cool to share.

For instance, this picture from JCC Camp from 1984 is a hidden gem posted by someone who had a whole bunch of JCC pictures.

See if you can identify not only The Poop, but The Concierge is in this picture as well. Take a guess, and I'll put the answer in the comments section.

Song of the Week

"Do You Love What You Feel" - Rufus featuring Chaka Khan
Chaka before she became a superstar on her own.
Check out those shorts, those gloves and that guy's Steve Yeager jersey.

It's Gonna Be a Thing

I'm sick of people using the overly played out "I just threw up in my mouth" line whenever something disgusting or unpleasant happens.
From now I will be saying "I just lost my erection" in those circumstances instead.
This new catchphrase was actually derived from something TON said when the man in the rabbit suit was blowing the old guy in "The Shining."
I encourage you all to jump on the bandwagon.

And if that phrase doesn't suit you, I'm also working on something else.
When your DVR is full and programs either need to be watched or erased in order for new programs to record, that predicament is called "DVR-mageddon."

It's gonna be a thing.

Gas Pains

The summer of Poop is over and I finally tallied up our gas purchases. This begins with the fillup before we left for Baltimore and includes all gas purchases ending with the tank that got us home the rest of the way from Toronto. It includes some driving around which is why the final total is higher than the $504 I projected.

June 26 - Fair Lawn - $44.56
June 29 - Baltimore - $34.70
June 30 - Manchester, CT - $53.05
July 3 - Saco, ME - $55.95
July 3 - Tarrytown, NJ - $13.52
July 4 - Fair Lawn - $63.36
July 6 - Hellertown, PA - $60.63
July 7 - Montvale, NJ - $40.51
July 10 - Fair Lawn - $43.27
July 10 - Fair Lawn - $67.81
July 11 - Waterloo, NY - $53.60
July 14 - Mississauga, ON, CA - $61.33
July 14 - Cortland, NY - $47.10

Final Total $639.39

Yikes!

Did Anyone Else Hear?

Ron Darling wonder which Met relief pitcher would step up and "put his finger in the dike?"
I know there is another meaning to that but Mrs. Poop and I could not stop laughing at that one.

I Guess Erin Andrews Was Really Shaken Up By All This Dress Talk

After a newspaper reporter questioned Erin Andrews integrity by pointing out the attire she wears to games may be designed to get millionaire baseball players to notice her, Andrews reacted angrily, and didn't change a thing.
This is the outfit she wore while covering the Yankees-Rangers game (you didn't think she was gonna miss a chance to get ogled by Jeter and A-Rod did you?). Unfortunately, full-length shot not available.

I Officially Hate Rampage Jackson

A pregnant woman who was injured when Quinton "Rampage" Jackson sideswiped her SUV last month has had a miscarriage.

The woman, Holli Griggs, suffered what were believed to be minor injuries in the July 15 crash, after which Jackson led police on a chase. It is not clear whether the crash directly led to the miscarriage, but her fiance, Bill Krebs, said doctors were immediately concerned when they noticed a significant loss of fluid in Griggs' womb after the accident.

Dealing with the loss of a child in this way is bad enough, but when you believe that someone's else irresponsbile actions are the cause of your pain, it must be ten times worse.

At least, Mrs. Poop and I were able to chalk it up to bad luck and move on. Whenever this couple thinks about this incident they will always get angry at Rampage.

I hope Holli Griggs gets pregnant again as soon as possible and has a happy healthy baby very soon.

Saddest Story Ever

The Mayor of Berwyn Heights, Maryland had his home invaded by a SWAT team who tied up his mother-in-law and shot and killed his two dogs, Black Labradors named Payton and Chase.
Last week, a FedEx delivery was dropped off at Cheye Calvo's house. It was addressed to his wife so he picked it up and brought it inside.
Police had been tipped off to the package when it was flagged by a bomb-sniffing dog. Now police say drug smugglers used Calvo's wife's identity to send the package (containing 32 pounds of marijuana) to her address and hoped to pick it up before she was able to.
But as soon as Calvo brought the package in the house, the SWAT team invaded.
Calvo said he was brought downstairs at gunpoint in his boxer shorts, handcuffed and forced onto the floor with his mother-in-law near the carcass of one of dead dogs.
"I noticed my two dead dogs lying in pools of their own blood," Calvo said.
Police say they shot the dogs because they felt threatened but Calvo said the dogs were tracked down by the cops and one was shot in the back as he was running away.

Did He Steal Juice's Gimmick?

Mets Weekly often profiles strange or devoted Mets fans. One fan they chose to profile is a guy who goes by the name, "The King of Brunch."
I guess his first appearance was successful because they decided to give him another try.
After watching him the second time, something struck me, his mannerisms, his pattern of speech, his phraseology, are all eerily similar to Juice.

Lines to watch for:
"I brunch on Wednesdays."
"We're a cross between Barbra Streisand and the Wu-Tang Clan."
"Why don't they make this or this in adult sizes? Imagine me in a Mets onesie."
"Sort of like an iced out Mets logo. I'd wear this."

In case embedding isn't working.



And here's his second appeance:
"I was gonna get a pedicure, I'll cancel it."
"It's like a Bar Mitzvah, it's just exciting."

In case embedding isn't working.

A Modest Proposal

Here's my plan to improve (not fix) the Mets:
I think they should move Aaron Heilman into the starting rotation and make Pedro Martinez the closer.
I think this would work because Pedro is an experienced enough pitcher to adapt to the pressures of the role. Also, his biggest weakness currently as a starter is that he is not able to go deep into games.
As for Aaron Heilman, he's a terrible relief pitcher, they really have nothing to lose. He wants to be a starter, and he's had success as a starter, and moving him out of the bullpen might actually be addition by subtraction.
This will never happen because the Mets have no guts or imagination but difficult times call for creative solutions.

Celeb Sighting

As I was parking my car in the underground garage and waiting for the slow attendant to give me my ticket, I noticed a black Escalade pulling in, trailed by 15 to 20 paparazzi.
They were snapping pictures of the car as it pulled into the garage.
Garage security stopped the photographers from entering and two security guys got out of the Escalade, and ushered a woman into a side door.
I asked the attendant who it was and he said "Madonna."
I didn't get a good look at her because she was ducking her head and standing between two large men, but I guess it could have been her.

The First Rule of The Poop

We don't talk about The Poop on Facebook.
On Facebook I am friends with a lot of people I work with, all of whom for many reasons, do not know about The Poop.
And I'd like to keep it that way.
Given the nature of Facebook and the way everyone can see everything, it's better not to mention the Poop.

I'm Not Sure I See the Connection

A flight attendant is suing Victoria Osteen, wife of televangelist Joel Osteen.
Sharon Brown claims Victoria Osteen pushed her against the bathroom door and elbowed her in the breast during a confrontation on a flight to Vail in 2005.
Brown says the fight started when Osteen called over a flight attendant to clean a spilled drink off her armrest.
Osteen has already paid a $3,000 fine from the FAA for interefering with a flight.
But now Brown wants her to pay even more. She is suing Osteen for 10% of her network in punitive damages.
She also wants an apology.
Now here's the kicker: Brown claims the incident caused her to lose her faith. She also says the incident caused her hemorrhoids to flare up.

Now I don't see how that's possible. Can someone explain the link to me between the altercation and the hemorrhoids? And if there were a legitmate link, wouldn't it be best to leave it out of the lawsuit to save yourself some embarrassment?

A Hole in My Heart

After 30 years of keeping them at bay insidious cavities have invaded my heretofore perfect teeth. During my latest visit to the dentist, 2 cavities were discovered, meaning I am no longer a member of the one-percenters (my name for the group of people who have never had cavities or braces -- I'm not sure if it's really one percent of the population, but it sounds good). A few years ago my gums started to deteriorate and I was told it was because I was brushing too often. So I cut back from five times a day, to twice or three times. And this is what happened.


cavities

Song of the Week

"Need U Bad" - Jazmine Sullivan
I just love the smooth sound of this, especially on the hook.
I think she sounds like Lauryn Hill.

TON's Kill List: Cynthia Good

We're unveiling a new feature here on the Poop called TON's Kill List. Previously it has existed only in his demented mind but I hope to make a regular feature here.
Take it away TON.

"Cynthia Good (the editor of "Pink magazine" based in Atlanta) wants "Men at Work" signs to be gender neutral and say things like "Workers Ahead". I don't have a problem with that. The problem is that it'll cost $1000 to repaint the signs. No big deal you say? Well she wants to take this idea nation-wide. So if it's $1000 for just Atlanta, I'll take a totally random stab at this, and say that'll be about $500,000-ish for the rest of the country.

Wouldn't that money be better spent elsewhere? Can't a whole crapload of starving African kids be fed for 20 cents a day? Actually, screw the kids...even if that $1000 bux per city was just used to plant a few more trees, it would be more beneficial than satisfying Cynthia Good.

Cynthia, if you want equality, the first step is to not give a crap about stupid, inconsequential things like this. Drive by, see the sign, bitch about it for a minute, and move on with your life. It's acts like yours that actually support thoughts about men being superior. While you're moaning and groaning about stuff that doesn't matter, most guys are out there ignoring a whole bunch of crap equally inconsequential, and moving on to more important things in life.

It's not like some woman's boss was driving to work, saw a sign that said "Men Working" and thought "Hell yeah, that's right...MEN!...screw Linda and her promotion." If anyone comes back with a stat about fewer women in high ranking positions; it's not because of any straight up gender bias, it's because of all the Cynthia Goods out there getting caught up on things that don't matter. Ignore the crap, move on. The national industry guidelines suggest gender-neutral road signs. Take that as comfort that somone else already bitched them onto the same page as you for new signs in the future.

Note: The 'Kill List' is used for fun. I have no plans to harm you, Cynthia. Please don't sue me. Also, to other women out there, I know many of you are superior to me, so don't take this seriously. But if you're Cynthia Good, please do take it seriosuly, because you're on TON's Kill List.

From Indifference To Admiration in Two Words

I never watch SportsCenter so I don't really care too much about their anchors. I despise Stuart Scott, but towards everyone else (including Scott Van Pelt), I maintained a healthy indifference. Although I know the internets love him because of his classic voicemail.
But in one fell swoop SVP became my favorite SportsCenter anchor.
I was listening to the first few minutes of "Tirico and Van Pelt" on ESPN Radio while walking Diesel.
Mike Tirico was off so Van Pelt was hosting with Michelle Tafoya. Tafoya was speaking of her recent trip to Vegas and told Scott he took her advice and placed $20 on red as soon as she got there.
She won that bet but ended up down $60 during her stay at the roulette wheel.
Then she remarked that she did much better at craps.
Scott Van Pelt yelled out "dolla yo!"
And that's why I love Scott Van Pelt.

Happy Birthday To My Car

Seven years ago, I went to the dealership and picked up my first car.
Seven years and 55,000 miles later, we've been through a lot together, marriage, parenthood, 2 apartments and a house, and through it all you've been there. You welcomed Mrs. Poop (even though she spills Snapple on you), Diesel (even though he gets his hair all over you) and even Chase (he hasn't done much to you yet but probably someday he'll poop inside a makeshift potty in the back of you) without ever once complaining.
There have been doubters (J-Slinn said I wouldn't still love you when I was 30, but I do) but you never had any doubts.
From the time I saw you from the top of a roller coaster at Great Adventure to the time an icy road almost killed us both, you've always been there for me.
And like these pictures indicate, through the best times, you've always been content to stand in the background.
Well, Mello Yello, on your 7th birthday I want to say this to you, "It might have appeared to go unnoticed, but I've got it all here in my heart. I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it. I would be nothing without you."

Erin Andrews Dresses For Success

Erin Andrews is hot, we know this. So why does it keep coming up? Pardon my pun. Mike Nadel of a newspaper in Peoria, Illinois ran into Andrews in the Cubs clubhouse before a game and thought her presence and the reaction to it warranted a column.

"Erin Andrews, the ESPN “it” babe who clearly isn’t afraid to flaunt it, sauntered around the visiting clubhouse, flitting from one Cubs player to another. Her skimpy outfit — designed to accentuate her, um, positives — had players leering at her. Some made lewd comments under their breath. Others giggled like 12-year-olds. More on that later, as the scene was just one part of Bizarro Wednesday at Miller Park.

Moments later, the blonde reporter was chatting with Alfonso Soriano. At one point, she placed her hand suggestively on Soriano’s left biceps. Was I reading too much into all this? I don’t think so. I’ve been a paid observer for a long time ... and I wasn’t exactly the only one who noticed. As two Cubs stood near their lockers, one asked the other: “Hot? Or just attractive? Does she do anything for you?” The inquisitor then made eye contact with me as if saying — to use a term my uncle might have — “Hubba-hubba!”

This went on for at least an hour. Finally, Piniella emerged from his office, ready for his dugout media session. As he turned the corner, there was Andrews in all of her bare-legged, high-heeled, low-necklined glory. “Hey, hey, hey! Look at this!” Piniella said, loudly and excitedly. “Are you doing a baseball game today or a modeling assignment?”

Did she really feel playing the sexpot was necessary to practice journalism? She is good-looking enough and has enough of a high-profile job that she would get plenty of interviews and attention even if she showed up in a burlap sack."

A couple points about this before we move on to Erin's response and then the pictures (of Erin Andrews! yay!):

1) It does seem a little weird that she is now wearing dresses as opposed to more traditional female TV reporter attire like a pants-suit, but it is the summer and she's working outdoors.
2) Guys will be guys, it's not her fault guys want to ogle her. I guess the real judgment here is how much she courts this attention and how much she shuns it. I'd guess a little more courting than Andrews would have us believe.
3) The burlap sack remark is 100% accurate. The fact is, she's a gorgeous woman, even in that burlap sack she'd look great and guys would leer at her. It's not the dresses that demand the attention, it's the body in the dresses.

Erin felt strongly enough that her journalistic intergrity was being questioned so she fired back with a statement full of lies:

“These players are not into me like that. (Lie #1) If anything, I think these guys look at me like a little sister or one of the guys. (Lie #2) I don’t look at myself as a sex object. (Lie #3) I’ve never carried myself in that way. (Lie #4) I’m a girl that loves sports. I’m a tomboy. That’s the last thing on my mind when I’m in the clubhouse — worrying about players checking me out. I’m no dummy. I’m conscious that every day I have to prove myself. Being a woman, I thought at some point we were all past this. I’m not going to change. I can’t change. ESPN puts me on the best games not because of the way I look (lie #5), but because they trust me. The cool thing for me is that I trust ESPN with everything I have. I think that if I was conducting myself in a wrong manner, this would have been an issue a long time ago.”

It's true that she doesn't behave in an egregiously inappropriate way but she knows she's hot, everyone knows she's hot and she's happy to take advantage of that fact when it suits her needs.

I do feel badly that she has to deal with this constantly but there's a lot worse things to have to deal with.

Things I Thought Today

Those of you who are Facebook users know all about the "status updates" where you tell people what you're doing or what you're thinking.
Since I constantly have 10 million thoughts running through my head but I don't want to keep changing my status, I'm going to put some pithy thoughts in here, because this is why I created these freakin blog in the first place. I might update this throughout the day.

Note: all these should be read starting with my name first...

1) Thinks God is obviously sick and tired of me cutting the grass he helps grow. I went outside to mow and he made it start pouring. Instantly.

2) Wonders why the only bit of dog training that actually stuck with Diesel is indifference to thunder.

3) Wonders how much I'll save on my electric bill by turning off the air conditioning for two days while the wife and kid are away. 80 degrees really ain't that hot.

4) Wants to reassure everyone who checked The Poop earlier today and got an error message, I have fixed the problem.

5) Can't eat because he doesn't know how to work the child locks on the cabinet with the pots and pans.

6) Is not kidding about #5.

Strip Club Ettiquette

I ran across these rules of strip club ettiquette and thought I would share them:

A trip to the local "Gentlemen's Club" can be a lot of fun, but it can also be intimidating for first-timers unsure of how to handle themselves. Here are six tips on proper strip club etiquette . . .

#1.) BE CLEAN. If an almost-naked stranger is going to be kind enough to give you a lap dance, the least you can do is shower and put on some deodorant beforehand.

This is a rule not just for strip clubs, but for life.

#2.) HAVE MONEY. If you're only going to bring enough cash for the cover and a few beers, what are you doing at a strip club? Sure, technically you're allowed to ogle the strippers for free, but bring money for tips, a lap dance, or both.

These girls work for a living. They have kids and unemployed boyfriends to feed.

#3.) A STRIPPER IS NOT A THERAPIST. The girl giving you a lap dance is usually nice enough to pretend to be interested in you...but doesn't mean she wants to hear about your problems. Just shut up and enjoy the dance.

No one enjoys talking to strippers more than the Concierge. And maybe Smokey, but he just wants them to get their lives back together.

#4.) DON'T TREAT STRIPPERS LIKE PROSTITUTES. There's a big difference between stripping and prostitution . . . so never assume a stripper does both. No matter how much you're enjoying the dance, don't ask her to go home with you.

This one I can't agree with. They can always say no. Normally, they'll jump at the chance to earn a little extra cash.

#5.) NO TOUCHING. Most strip clubs post this rule...in case you get carried away and forget. Let the dancers handle how much physical contact takes place...or you can expect to be contacted by one of the bouncers.

Follow the strippers lead and a lot of times she'll take you where you want to go.

#6.) ALWAYS TIP. Sure, you already paid for the dance, but if you can tip a waitress for a job well done, you can tip a stripper. Besides, if word gets around that you tip well, expect hotter dances as the ladies try for even more of your cash.

Yeah, that's what you need at a strip club, all the girls to know you're a good tipper. This was obviously written by a strippers' rights group.

I'm With the Casino On This One

Yes, Michael Wax stunk. He's the first to admit it. The 440-pound Brooklyn man said he was playing poker at the Borgata for 17 hours and didn't have time to clean up. He understands why grossed-out gamblers complained about his body odor, but said he didn't deserve stinky treatment from the casino that asked him to leave.

Wax said he told casino officials: "There's no question I stink. I'm not denying it. I do have an odor. I've been playing for 17 hours."

He said a poker room manager followed him into the restroom and informed him that patrons at his table were complaining about his body odor.

When he tried to re-take his seat at the table, he said a manager told him he couldn't play anymore and to leave. He said he asked for a free room to freshen up, and the casino refused.

He promptly filed a complaint about his treatment with the Casino Control Commission. His complaint will be reviewed to determine whether any state gambling laws or regulations were violated, a commission spokesman said Wednesday.

Wax said his instincts tell him to find a different casino to patronize, but he likes gambling at the Borgata. He said the casino was out of line to tell him he stinks in front of other patrons.

"I would like an apology," Wax said.

If you remember a similar incident happened at the 2005 World Series of Poker where a smelly dirty British guy who yelled a lot was told he smelled because he had been wearing his lucky David Beckham jersey without washing it. The floor tried to intervene but evidently found that there was nothing in the rules regarding a player's offensive body odor.

Baseball is Poop - 108-Game Checkpoint

With most teams playing 108 games, two-thirds of the season, now's a good time to check in on some players and forecast where their statistics might up end for the year.

Josh Hamilton
While Hamilton has fallen off recently, he still has 25 homers and 104 RBI, putting him on pace for 38 and 156, phenomenal numbers.
Interesting side note: In June, Josh Hamilton hit .278 with 27 hits in 97 at bats.
In July, Josh Hamilton is hitting .278 with 27 hits in 97 at bats but the Rangers have one more game to play.

Adam Dunn
His 32 homers and 74 RBI translate into 48 homers and 110 RBI (because the Reds have actually played 109 games so far). Those would be new career highs for him and he's only pace for his fewest strikeouts over a full season.



Ryan Howard
Just like Adam Dunn, but without all the walks and with better players hitting in front of him. He's on pace for 45 homers and 142 RBI. But he's on pace for 212 strikeouts which would break his own single-season record.

Brad Ziegler
Hard to construct his pace since he wasn't up for the whole season but he now has a string of 30 consecutive scoreless innings to begin his career.

20-game Winners
Aaron Cook, Brandon Webb, Cliff Lee and Joe Saunders all have 14 putting them all on pace. Mike Mussina and Edinson Volquez both have 13 meaning they'd have to pick up the pace just a little to get there.

Extraordinary Commercial

Here's a new ad by True North:



Turns out True North is a new division of Frito-Lay. They want you to taste their nuts and this "extraordinary nutsack" campaign is a pretty good gimmick. The announcer actually says "snack" but anyone under the age of 50 would hear "sack."

Overheard in a Jewish Delicatessen

While I was picking up my sandwiches for dinner I overheard a gentleman complaining about the high price of his Dr. Brown's cream soda.
"Two and a half dollars for something that costs 25 cents in the store?"
While I agreed with his sentiment, I still decided to head over to the cooler and got a cream soda for me and a black cherry for Mrs. Poop.
Note: it's only $1.75 at the deli counter, $2.50 on the eat-in side.

Caught on Tape

The Los Angeles earthquake interrupted a taping of Judge Judy:



Another show called "Family Court" was also taping at the time:

Fuck You, Pay Me

I just saw this commercial for "Feed the Pig" on TV.



Master Bates is prominently involved with the Feed the Pig campaign.

The Mets Need to Avoid the Big Mistake

Every year I get a little nervous around the trading deadline worried that the Mets will reprise some of their past disasters with a panic trade that doesn't help the present but ruins the future.
Rumors have swirled that the Mets are contemplating another such move as we approach this year's deadline.

1) I don't care how disappointed Mets fans are with him, Carlos Beltran is really good and should not be traded for anyone; not Manny Ramirez (who is a rental) nor Matt Holliday (who is a Coors Field creation, at least to some degree). Any trade including Beltran would be a disaster.

2) Fernando Martinez is only 19. If the Mets need a corner outfielder, he's it. Maybe not this year, but for 10 to 15 years to come. Any trade including Martinez would be a disaster.

3) Believe what you see, not what you think. No one with half a brain could make an argument that corner outfielders are a bigger weakness than bullpen for this team. With Tatis playing so well, Endy filling in capably and Church coming back sometime (we hope!) a knee-jerk reaction for a corner outfield replacement would be a mistake.

4) If the Mets are going to make a trade, they'd need to add a reliever, but any reliever worth getting would come at too high a cost. The Mets traded 4 players including their top 3 pitching prospects for Johan Santana, so they really can't afford to part with 2 more. Completely gutting your farm system spirals a team into a vicious cycle of bad trades and bad free agent signings trying to plug holes that were made with ill-conceived decisions in the first place.

The bottom line is this: I still don't believe in this team, this year, because of the bad bullpen and lack of clutch hitting (until recently) so I'm unwilling to push all the chips in the middle to give this club a chance.

But with Wright, Reyes and Beltran soon to be joined by Fernando Martinez and with Johan, Maine, Pelfrey and Perez (who must be resigned!) anchoring the starting rotation, this team could be great for years to come, if only Omar Minaya has the patience to let it happen.

Song of the Week

"A Milli" - Lil Wayne
I used to like Lil Wayne before he sold out Cash Money and turned into a pop superstar. I don't even like this song (except for the recurring "a millie" in that deep voice) but if it's not already huge, it's going to be the biggest song in the country before the summer's over.

This is What It's Like to Be Chase

Everyday a giant labrador is running at you at the only way to get rid of him is to throw a ball.

Baseball is Poop - Who Needs Em Edition

Who Needs Matt LaPorta (or Relief Pitchers)?
Since acquiring CC Sabathia from the Cleveland Indians for slugging prospect Matt LaPorta the Milwaukee Brewers got more than they paid for. Even with a subpar performance in his 5th start for the Brewers, he is still 4-0 with a 1.82 ERA since joining the team. And even more impressive in this day and age, he pitched three straight complete games.



Who Needs Big Name Relievers?
One of the tenets of Billy Beane purported in "Moneyball" is that relief pitching is such a fickle endeavour that there is never a need to spend a lot of money on a closer, because good relievers come and go quickly, and the next great guy is right around the corner. But I think Billy Beane might want to hold on to Brad Ziegler. Since being called up from the minors and making his Major League debut on May 31st, Ziegler has pitched in 23 games. And in 27 innings he has yet to allow a run, the longest scoreless streak to start a career in history. The only downside to Ziegler is that apparently, even with a name like Brad Ziegler, he is not Jewish.



Who Needs David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez?
With David Ortiz out for most of June J.D. Drew was moved to the 3-hole. He responded with 12 homers and 27 RBI in 92 at bats. He had an impressive OPS of 1.309 for the month. Maybe that's why Theo Epstein is considering finally getting rid of Manny Ramirez.



Who Needs Chris Carpenter and Mark Mulder?
Though the St. Louis Cardinals have fallen off recently their impressive early season run was made even more impressive because their top two pitchers contributed nothing. Instead the Cardinals got it done with the no-name triumverate of Kyle Lohse (12-3, 3.68 ERA), Braden Looper (10-8, 4.38 ERA) and Todd Wellemeyer (8-4, 4.19 ERA).

Who Needs the Road?
Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster is having a great season despite pitching in the hitter's park of Wrigley Field. But without Wrigley, Dempster would be nowhere. He is 10-1 with a 2.72 ERA at home, and 1-3 with a 3.42 on the road. In fact, this trend has gone on for a couple years, in 2007 as a closer he was 1-2 with a 2.86 ERA at home, and 0-4 with a 5.06 on the road. In fact before his July 20th win in Houston, his last road win was June 2 -- 2006.

Who Needs Singles?
From June 7th through July 28th Detroit Tigers outfielder Marcus Thames has been on a colossal tear, bombing 15 homers in only 125 at bats (1 every 8.33 at bats). Over that span he has 33 hits (a subpar .264 batting average) but only 12 of those are singles. Even the most prodigious power hitters don't hit more homers than singles over any stretch.
But Thames has company in this rare club. During the month of May Marlins outfielder Cody Ross went 14 for 50 (.280) and hit 10 home runs. He had only 4 singles but slugged an impressive .880 for the month.



Interesting Picture of the Week
Another cat attends a baseball game, this time in Oakland.

Poopheads, Literally

SHIZUKA new york Spa is run by master aesthetician Shizuka Bernstein and offers the latest trend in skin care, the Geisha Facial. The new facial treatment is made from Nightingale droppings and has been coined the Bird Poop Facial by fans and curious spectators.

The Geisha "Bird Poop" Facial "is made with all natural ingredients, including Japanese Rice Bran to brighten and soften skin complexion using natural enzymes," explains Bernstein. "The most important ingredient is Uguisu no Fun, or powdered Nightingale Droppings, which is an old secret ingredient of the traditional kabuki actors and Geisha used to remove makeup."

The Geisha Facial is named after the Geisha who have always been known for their clear porcelain, unblemished complexion. This beautiful appearance was later found to cause chronic skin problems because of the zinc in their facial powder. Geisha found a unique remedy when they discovered that the Uguisu no Fun could not only be used to remove makeup but also to brighten, heal and retexturize their skin.

"At SHIZUKA new york, the Geisha cosmetic secret is artfully revitalized for modern skin care treatment," says Bernstein. "The Uguisu no Fun is sanitized through exposure to ultraviolet light to kill bacteria before being finely milled into powder and is safe to use on the skin."

Why I Hate Rachael Ray

I hate Rachael Ray. I hate everything about her. But until now I couldn't quite explain it. But now she is out with a new line of dog food called "Nutrish." If that doesn't make you want to smash a bottle of EVOO over her stupid head, then you have more self-control than I.

To Protect and Serve

Unfortunately this is why so many people have a bad impression of cops, especially in NYC. Well that and the shootings of unarmed black people. This video was filmed during some kind of bicycle protest in Times Square



Patrick Pogan is the cop and Christopher Long is the bike rider.
Long, 29, was charged with attempted assault, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct, according to the complaint filed by the Manhattan District Attorney's office.
The complaint alleges that Long's cycling "caused disruption of the normal flow of vehicular traffic." When the officer asked the defendant to stop, Long allegedly "drove (his) bicycle directly into the (officer's) body, causing (him) to fall to the ground and ... suffer lacerations on (his) forearms."

Reports are that Long was being particularly douchey, swerving in front of cars and maybe even assaulting someone, but even if Long needed to be taken down, Pogan should have done it much differently.

The Real Mrs. Wright

After dozens of false rumors finally the truth has emerged. David Wright is dating model Molly Beers (no relation to Pa Beers, at least none we can see), and she is hot. Good job David but I'd rather see you playing the field like Derek Jeter and going after chicks way more famous.

Tiffany Michelle's Parade Rained On

Her cards hadn't even hit the muck before Tiffany "Hot Chips" Michelle's great Main Event run was ruined by a disagreement with her employer pokernews.com.
Here's the simplest explanation of what went on as best as I understand it.
Tiffany had an agreement to work for PokerNews, but not an exclusive deal with them. Her buy-in was paid for by Tony G (part-owner of PokerNews) and Jeff Lisandro. When Tiffany made it through several days of the Main Event Ultimate bet (the site that sponsors her boyfriend, Hollywood Dave) approached her with a sponsorship deal (this is not uncommon in the poker world, sites slap their logos on players all the time). PokerNews was furious about this, saying they felt betrayed by her because she didn't consult them in her sponsorship negotations. Even though she wore both logos during the Main Event, PokerNews released this statement, and Tiffany fired back with a statement of her own which she has since taken off her MySpace page. Basically Tiffany said she appreciated what PokerNews did for her but she never signed an exclusivity agreement and was hoping to still work for PokerNews while playing in tournaments sponsored by UltimateBet.

Baby We Got Their Number

The Mets series win over the Phillies has given them a 9-4 lead in the season series. For a team that supposedly has our number, our 3 best starting pitchers do pretty well against them.

Numbers are career as Mets:
John Maine: 56 2/3 innings 43 hits, 20 walks, 33 strikeouts, 3.01 ERA, 5-0 record
Oliver Perez: 44 1/3 innings, 31 hits, 34 walks, 52 strikeouts, 2.84 ERA, 1-2 record
Johan Santana: 23 innings, 18 hits, 0 walks, 20 strikeouts, 2.74 ERA, 1-0 record

The record should be better obviously, but the bullpen has blown lots of games against the Phillies.
Also this year Perez has only allowed 1 run in 26 innings against the Phillies for a microscopic 0.35 ERA.

The Whole Crew

Two excellent pictures of the Staten Island crew taken at JLeary's wedding.

From left: Nails, The Poop, The Concierge, JLeary, TON, Focks, TallSkott, Reissberg




Photos courtesy of Special K

I Never Eat Soy

Eating a half serving a day of soy-based foods could be enough to significantly lower a man's sperm count, U.S. researchers said on Wednesday.
"What we found was men that consume the highest amounts of soy foods in this study had a lower sperm concentration compared to those who did not consume soy foods," said Dr. Jorge Chavarro of the Harvard School of Public Health in Boston, whose study appears in the journal Human Reproduction.
Chavarro's team analyzed the intake of 15 soy-based foods in 99 men who went to a fertility clinic between 2000 and 2006.
They were asked how much and how often in the prior three months they had eaten soy-rich foods including: tofu, tempeh, tofu or soy sausages, bacon, burgers and mince, soy milk, cheese, yogurt and ice cream, and other soy products such drinks, powders and energy bars.
Men in the highest intake category had 41 million sperm per milliliter less than men who ate no soy foods. A normal sperm count ranges from 80 million and 120 million per milliliter, and a sperm count of 20 million per milliliter or below is considered low.
"It suggests soy foods could have some deleterious effect on the reproductive system and especially on sperm production," Chavarro said.

Keith Hernandez, Cat Lover

Shea Cat
by TheFightins

This is not the first time a cat appeared at Shea Stadium and hopefully it will bring good luck as it did when a black cat ran in front of the Cubs dugout in 1969.

What Do You Give Me For? Elgin Baylor and Nipsey Russell

Leary's Wedding

Even though he doesn't look a day over 18 JLeary got married and since we've been friends for nearly 20 years, I was invited.

I was even a groomsman, along with Reissberg and the Concierge.

Because his lovely bride is from Hershey, Pennsylvania, that's where the wedding was held.

After a long drive through farm country thanks to our GPS, we arrived in Hershey disappointed that the smell of chocolate was not permeating the air as we had hoped. Apparently that only happens on hot, humid days.

Mrs. Poop and I checked into the lovely Hershey Hotel and explored the grounds. On separate trips we ran into the bride, the groom, the Reissbergs and the Concierges.

We had dinner Friday night at an Italian restaurant on Chocolate Avenue, but it wasn't a rehearsal dinner (more on that later).

We got back in time to witness a beautiful fireworks display put on by Hershey Park from the hotel's veranda.

Then we started drinking. It was really weird to drink with J's little brother Jeff whom I last remember tossing around when he was 4. Now he's all growns up and going to school and working as a pastry chef at a hotel. The Concierge tried to trick him into admitting that he uses transfats in violation of New York City's ban, but Jeff didn't even seem to know what Crisco is.

Saturday morning Mrs. Poop and I seemed to be the only ones who didn't pay to have strangers touch us (massage) so we spent the morning at Chocolate World getting a behind the scenes look at Hershey's manufacturing process.

We bought some souvenirs and split a delicious Smores cup and headed back to the hotel for lunch. Our lunch was provided by the bride and groom, a delicious cold cuts platter served in the Concierge's room. I think I ate about 10 pickles. I have a strange aversion to wasting food. If food I like is sitting there, I have to eat it.

After that I got dressed and met the groosmen downstairs for some pictures. Because this was a non-Jewish wedding the bride and groom didn't see each other before, so we were just with the groom for a few pictures and a rehearsal.

We met the pastor who walked us through everything that would happen, while constantly reminding us that he usually does this in a church. And he also mentioned repeatedly that he usually has a rehearsal dinner the night before. He seemed very nervous that something would go wrong, not only because this was a road game, but because we hadn't put in enough practice time.

The ceremony was in Founders Hall, part of the Milton Hershey School. The wedding was in a beautiful huge open space, and the bride got to walk down the stairs.



Since there was no rehearsal, the pastor was diligent in reminding us of our duties, including to usher guests to their seats, a duty I shirked because of my discomfort with non-Jewish traditions.

The pastor evidently spent too much time watching over us, because he forgot to say "you may kiss the bride," kind of an important part. Thankfully, he did get in all the legal mumbo-jumbo so they were married officially, and it was time to party.

I want to mention one more funny thing about the pastor. About halfway through the receiving line he suggested to us that we should check on the groom and see if he needs anything "maybe a breath mint."

The Concierge was offended by the presumption that he carries breath mints. "What is this, the 1950s when everyone carried binaca?"

Before we got to eat, the combined wedding party got to take more pictures, which was fun, but it made us a little late to the cocktail hour. When I arrived I found that Mrs. Poop had saved me a lobster tail (what reason am I up to now?) and I almost bit off the Conciergette's arm while trying to eat it.

I noticed that the table chosen by our significant others was conveniently located next to the seafood bar, which was full of shrimp. After making my way around the room (and getting into a fight with TON over the fact I friended his high school nemesis on Facebook) I returned and began devouring shrimp at a startling pace. Almost everyone in the room used the "Hey Paul, the ocean called..." line on me and when JLeary tried it I told him, "well I just had sex with your wife."

As usual TallSkott was dressed like a member of the wait staff.



The cocktail hour ended which meant it was time to party.

But first the bride and groom had their first dance as husband and wife.



There was also a dance with J and his mom (though this might have come much later on).



Once the DJ shifted from traditional party music to more contemporary music and hip-hop, the party really got rockin.

Thanks to an abundance of fun, young guests at this wedding, the dance floor was always very crowded, except for when someone put a bottle in the middle of it. Apparently this is a Long Island tradition, but it's evidently customary to place a beer bottle or glass in the middle of the dance floor because it somehow forces everyone to form a circle creating an arena for an intrepid soul to show off his or her moves for an adoring crowd. This was done several times throughout the night until Joe, a Mets fan and my best friend for the weekend, somehow broke the bottle with his face, without cutting his lip.

Some of the other featured music included "I Kissed a Girl," during which I ran around the room trying to get two girls to make out with each other. Maybe I crossed the line when I encouraged the bride to do it. At least Mrs. Poop said I did.

They also played "Apache," which got the cognoscenti out on the floor doing the Apache dance and patting their mouths to make the Indian noise.



At a lot of weddings the bride and groom don't get to enjoy their own party, not this time. May-May was out on the floor most of the night acting the fool with me.



When I walked outside the ballroom and noticed that there was a buffet of candy (Hershey's of course), kisses, York Peppermint patties, Mr. Goodbar, Kit Kats and others, along with bags for us to fill up and take home.

Now for those who don't know, The Concierge is not allowed to eat candy, by order of the Conciergette. So Nails and Mrs. Nails decided to play a little joke. Nails filled up a bag full of candy and was planning to stuff the Concierge's pockets. But when he reentered the room The Conciergette was sitting in The Concierge's chair. Mrs. Nails quickly ad libbed and put on The Concierge's jacket, feigning coldness. After a few minutes of subterfuge, she left the room wearing the jacket, with Nails following closely behind. After filling the pockets to the breaking point they returned and placed the jacket on the back of The Concierge's chair where they found it. When he went to put it on at the end of the night he noticed it was a little heavier than when he wore it last. For the next several minutes, he was yanking chocolate bars out of the jacket's every orifice. When the mound of chocolate was piled on the table he tried to explain that he had been set up, but everyone tried to convince The Conciergette that he was sneaking candy past her.




After the wedding ended we stayed at the hotel bar for a few more drinks, and one by one they dropped like flies, then I went to bed leaving The Concierge as the last man standing, in more ways than one.

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire

Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's balls on fire. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge.
Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man's groin and set him on fire. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.
Pillers, who was out on parole, got 2 years for this.

Song of the Week

"What Do I Do With the Love?" - Dru Hill
When our relationship was in its infancy Mrs. Poop and I had one of those stupid fights young couples often do. We broke up, I listened to this song 100 times in a row and we got back together like a day later.

Round of the Year?

I've written before about how my love for boxing has been diminished since the sport descended into a cesspoll of controversial decisions and crappy fights. I never even watch matches live anymore, I just wait for them to be good, then catch them on youtube. So when I heard that the fight between Kendall Holt and Ricardo Torres featured the "Round of the Year," I was intrigued:



I was actually very disappointed by this because the second knockdown was a pretty cheap one, and the knockout punch didn't seem all that devastating. Exciting fight, but I've seen better.

I Hope Jenny McCarthy Meets This Guy in a Dark Alley

Talk radio host Michael Savage is under fire for some comments he made about autism:

“You know what autism is? I’ll tell you what autism is. In 99 percent of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out. That’s what autism is. What do you mean they scream and they’re silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them, ‘Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, idiot.’”

Obviously this is ridiculous and this guy Savage is a fuckin moron. If he had been talking about ADHD, maybe, I could have seen his point, because I agree that's overdiagnosed. But with autism a 5-year old kid may not even speak, how do you blame that on parenting? I'm so furious at this guy right now.

Weekend At Bernie's III

I think they were shooting scenes for "Weekend at Bernie's III" during the All-Star game at Yankee Stadium.

How Do I Look?

Whenever I have to dress up for a wedding or other special event, Mrs. Poop usually tells me that I look nice, using her pet phrase, "you clean up nice."
I tend to disagree. What do you think?

Greg Norman Chokes Again

Greg Norman entered Sunday with a 2 stroke lead in the British Open. He bogeyed the first three holes, shot a 77 for the day and finished 6 strokes back, continuing one of the worst records of anyone in any sport.
He's now lost 54-hole leads 7 times in a major, and only one once in those situations.
Obviously, he's well past his prime and it was amazing for him to even finish as high as he did, but his age didn't catch up with him, his past did.
There is definitely something about Norman (we'll never know what it is) that brings out the worst in him when his best is needed.

Welcome to Washington, Katina Taylor

Great trade by the Redskins acquiring Jason Taylor and his beautiful wife Katina Taylor.
With the injury to Philip Daniels the Redskins needed a pass rushing end and they got the best one in the league.
And giving up a second and sixth round draft pick is basically stealing Taylor.
While his $8.1 million salary this year eats up almost all of the remaining cap room, it's money well spent.
And bringing his hot wife with him just sweetens the deal.

Reason Why I Love Mrs. Poop #415,772

I was watching an old poker tournament when Allen Cunningham and two other players got all-in preflop. All three of them turned up ace-king, and I pointed it out to Mrs. Poop.
The next day she asked "what happened in that hand when everyone had ace-king."
After years of pretending to hate poker I think she's warming up to it and will eventually be multi-tabling on my Full Tilt account.